Get off yer bike

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Surely that's up to him how he gets off? Lots of people don't like the thought of homosexuals but they'd get (scuse me) banged up if they said something! And how is he breaching the peace? Was he ringing the bell continually? Did he have some cymbals in the wicker basket on the front?

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

So he wasn't in public, then? He was in a room he was paying for? Then what business is it of anyone else? This case should not have even gone to court.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

Then fuck off.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

Surely, given that it was a private room, as a cleaner entering a room to which they have not been invited they must include the possibility that there might be something going on inside?

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

So? Was the bicycle crying out 'no, no, get off me?'

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

I can see why they might be shocked, but what has this got to do with the police? If they'd walked in and found him having sex with a woman would they have done so, or would they have just apologised and left as quickly as possible?

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'.

And?

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

Ah, the excuse for many a person caught shagging someone or something they shouldn't.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

Not surprised. Ayr is much nicer. And presumably what he does in his own home is his own business? If the neighbours walk into his house uninvited and catch him having a poo hopefully he won't be arrested?

What bothers me severely is that
1) He might have been doing something odd but not illegal
2) He was in the privacy of his hostel room
3) The cleaners shouldn't have just walked in
4) Now he's on the sex offenders list he's going to have a hard time getting a job, when surely we should be encouraging people to work. I mean, he could have a great time as a postman?

But no. In this country we live in, the state even want to know what's going on in the privacy of your bedroom, and if they don't like it you become a criminal.

It's not an instruction manual, you bunch of cunts.