Sunday, May 25, 2008

How to be a Lib Dem: a step by step guide

1. Campaign by promising a referendum on an important EU topic. If necessary, tell voters, especially in the South West, you are eurosceptic. It's a lie, but by the time they find out it will be too late.

2. Shirk on election promise of supporting a referendum by creating a diversion such as a referendum on a completely different issue. Make a fuss when things don't go your way, but secretly be releived.

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg defended his decision to tell his MPs to abstain, and maintained that he instead wants a referendum on the "real" issue - Britain's membership of the EU.

3. When voting on a referendum you promised lie to voters, via main stream media, that you would have voted for a different referendum if you'd had been given the opportunity, but that the one being presented isn't the one from your manifesto. Talk about wanting an 'open debate'.
He said "as the dust settles" people would see the Lib Dems had been "very consistent" in their view that the "real question" to be put to a referendum was Britain's long-term EU membership.

4.Hold 3 line whip to abstain; ignore snide comments that 'only the Lib Dems would have a three line whip on not doing anything from prominent opponents of the EU.
5.Break sigh of relief when promised referendum is not passed, in no small part due to your broken promise.
6. Campaign against referendum when it reaches the Lords and ensure that leadership never mention anything is occuring there to avoid public scrutiny.
7.Remain calm when presented with option to have your 'desired' referendum. Always remember Lib Dem fall back position: if in doubt, lie.
8. Do complete u-turn. Ignore comments that you should be supporting the amendment in the House of Lords calling for a referendum on membership since you have been calling for it, including on high profile morning radio programmes.
9. Vote against the referendum you desired to avoid a referendum on what you promised. Send out anonymous spokesman to talk about why you want a biased referendum on an issue you think you have the better chance of winning even though the amendments requesting a referendum by you and another party were identical.
Peers also voted late on Tuesday on an amendment by UK Independence Party peer Lord Pearson calling for a referendum on Britain's continued membership of the EU.
Lib Dem peers abstained - despite their party's backing for such a referendum.
A Lib Dem spokesman said the party did not want to "give succour" to eurosceptics by voting with the UK Independence Party.

10. Go back to stage 1 and repeat, ensuring to be consistent in your inconsistences.
Lord Strathclyde (Leader of Opposition In the House of Lords, Parliament; Conservative)
My Lords, does that mean that the noble Lord and his party will abstain on the question of the referendum when it arises?
Lord McNally (Leader, House of Lords; Liberal Democrat) Link to this | Hansard source
No, my Lords, we will not abstain on the referendum.
Noble Lords:
That is a third position!


Mark Wadsworth said...

I'm lovin' that step 9. Those LibDems sure have class and style.

Vindico said...

Oh, you excel yourself with this post. Brilliant. Although you did not mention that it is compulsory to wear sandals, eat hemp, and knit your own yoghurt!