Conference speech roundup

Am going to do a wee summary of the points in the Lib Lab Con's leader's speech which irritated me the most. I'll start off with Brown.

And when the terrorists tried to attack Scotland's biggest airport, they were answered by the courage of the police and firefighters and a baggage handler named John Smeaton. He came to the aid of a policeman under assault from one of the terrorists.
Later John told me it was instinctive, he was doing what was right.
That man, that hero John Smeaton is here with us today and on behalf of our country - John, we thank you.

And yet only a few days before a young boy had drowned in a lake because these pretend police officers weren't trained enough to rescue him. Just as well we didn't have officials at Glasgow airport, eh, rather than some sensible member of the public...

It was in these early weeks, in the wake of the worst flooding in almost 150 years, in county after county, we saw British people pull on their boots and pull out their boats to rescue neighbours and strangers.

And together they went to work to clean up the streets, sweep out the shops and reopen the schools. Long after the waters have receded the memory of their quiet strength remains.

It's just a shame that you cut the flood defence budget, eh? Then perhaps they wouldn't have had to have suffered so much after all. And more on that tomorrow...

But as a teenager I saw close friends of mine who might have gone to college or an apprenticeship or to university who never did.

And now, presumably, you see even more after this stupid, dangerous government decided on some arbitrary 50% target for higher education and introduced not only fees, but also top up fees! Well done! And now it's those very people you sought to get into education who aren't, and the dumb hoorays who are. Lovely.

So what first made me want to do something in public service?

The private sector wouldn't have you?

I don't recall all the sermons my father preached Sunday after Sunday.

In much the same way as I try to block out the preaching at us you seem very fond of.

I am a conviction politician

I wish you were a convicted politician

I stand for a Britain where everyone should rise as far as their talents can take them and then the talents of each of us should contribute to the well being of all.
I stand for a Britain where all families who work hard can build a better life for themselves and their children.

After I've taxed to to buggery

I stand for a Britain where every young person who has it in them to study at college or university should not be prevented by money from doing so.

But I still think that stupid targets, loans and fees are a jolly good idea so I can use your money to waste on projects, throw at the EU and prop up anti democratic countries across the globe.

Today in education, private schools offer one to one tuition. But why shouldn't all pupils and not just some benefit from extra personal help?

It's normally because the parents of children who go to private schools pay huge fees to do so as well as paying for state education in their taxes...

We have lifted 600,000 children out of poverty. We are doubling child benefits. We have trebled maternity allowances. And 6 million families now benefit from the Child Tax Credit.

So they pay tax and then you give them some of it back, minus the admin fees? Brilliant! Why don't you just raise the personal allowance so they don't have to go through that farce, and the likes me you and I don't have to pay for it.

And I pay tribute to our Deputy Leader Harriet Harman who by her campaigning work is pioneering this cause of equality. No discrimination on the basis of race, gender, sexuality, age, or faith. And no discrimination against the disabled.

It was actually the EU who brought in this harmful legislation which has cost businesses billions of pounds. And the anti disability legislation means that where I live, they are not allowed to build a footbridge over the river Thames because it will break EU law as disabled people won't be able to use it. So we can all suffer.

And in Britain where once there were three million unemployed, there are today more men and women in jobs than ever in our history - for the first time over 29 million people in work.

So has unemployment actually gone down, or are there more people in work but the same number of people on the dole because you let the work they should be doing to be done by immigrant workers and yet pay them to sit on their fat, lazy arses? The number of people in work is not the same as the number of unemployed, because it's not cetiris paribus, my dear fellow. Not everyone is as bad at economics as you are.

I've met too many young couples who've told me - we work hard, we save, we play by the rules, we want to get on and yet we can't afford to buy or even rent our first home.

So we plan to help first time buyers and we will increase house-building to 240,000 new homes a year - in places and ways that respect our green spaces and the environment. My aim by 2010 two million more homeowners than in 1997.

And for the first time in nearly half a century we will show the imagination to build new towns - eco-towns with low and zero carbon homes. And today because of the response we have received we are announcing that instead of just 5 new eco towns, we will now aim for ten eco towns - building thousands of new homes in every region of the country.

And for affordable housing and for social housing we will now invest £8 billion. This will mean a 50 per cent increase in funds for social housing.

We don' want social, eco, lego brick with a pit outside for poo house! We want less tax so we can save more and we want you to stop spending our money giving houses to tramps who get knocked up at seven and never have a job in the whole of their lives, and also stop giving houses to asylum seekers who travel through plenty of 'safe' countries to get here. Especially the ones who live in those gorgeous houses with sash windows just off the Chelsea embankment. NOT FAIR, NOT RIGHT.

That is why we took the right decision to ban handguns. And now we need to deal with the illegal supply of guns.

But my dear fellow! Your government and civil service has no idea how many small arms / light weapons are in the country! You don't even know which desk to send it to in the civil service so my FoI request can get answered!

In July I announced a new unified border force. And already the first elements are in place - a stronger uniformed presence at ports, customs officers targeting illegal immigration, stronger security checks at passport control, by next year ID cards for foreign nationals and we will start to count people in and out.

Although not at ports between EU countries. Nice.

And we will move forward with our new Australian-style points-based approach to immigration. So Britain will continue to benefit from skilled workers from abroad and they will understand their responsibilities to earn the right to settle in Britain.

But not for the 460 million people in the EU who have a right of free movement and can stay here for 3 months without registering, and if they are self employed, don't have to? Or the potential 71 million from Turkey, or the ones from the Ukraine, Moldova, Croatia...who are in line to join the UE?

But let me be clear any newcomer to Britain who is caught selling drugs or using guns will be thrown out. No-one who sells drugs to our children or uses guns has the right to stay in our country.

Ooooh, what's that burning smell? Could it be your pants on fire, you big far liar?
You can't throw someone who is from the EU out for breaking the law, just as you can't stop them coming in in the first place. It's all here in the EU directive which you EU gang bangers love so much.

One question - when are you going to stop lying to us?

And let me say: we in Britain cannot be good stewards of the environment unless we are good internationalists and that means being good Europeans too.

Like having two EU parliaments that we have to travel between once a month? Like the EU just invented a target of 20% renewable energy by 2020 even though they are nowhere near making the previous targets?
It's not true that there is no debate on whether climate change is man made. I don't see how it could be, but of course The Devil is much better at these things that I am, mainly because he has more patience than I...

At all times we will stand up for the British national interest.

And I accept my responsibility to write in detail into the amended European Treaty the red lines we have negotiated for Britain.

And whether it's environmental, economic or security cooperation, we will hold fast to the partnerships with our closest ally America, our membership of the European Union, the Commonwealth and our commitment to the United Nations.

You...argh! How fucking dare you! It's a con! A cosmetic addition to avoid a referendum cooked up by you and the EU and the Dutch who also don't want a referendum, and as I mentioned before, your Europe Minister went over to meet them to discuss how to avoid a referendum! Even TEBAF Margot said to the European Parliament that the Red Lines weren't liable to stand up to anything stronger than a Lib Dem put down...

So this is my pledge to the British people:

I will not let you down.

I will stand up for our schools and our hospitals.

I will stand up for British values.

I will stand up for a strong Britain.

And I will always stand up for you

Oh, bugger off you sanctimonious, untrustworthy little shit. The only thing you stand for is election. *blows raspberry*