Thursday, August 28, 2008

Woman, 98, Dies and other stories

Well, people still aren't leaving me alone. In fact, people are now asking and debating why I want to be left alone now!

It's all getting very silly. I'm sick of being considered by certain people as belonging to them; someone who can be persecuted because they've paid £20 (or £10, most likely) to join an organisation.

In the words of The Blow Monkeys, 'you don't own me'. It's just weird and creepy to think of all these people I don't know bashing away at their...keyboards in the dark. Go down the pub, get a hobby which isn't me. Something. Please, I beg of you.

Short trip to the hospital yesterday resulted in me feeling marginally better thanks to prescription drugs. I don't know why people bother with leisure drugs when the legal ones are so good. Had a chat with my GP today about it all and he's popped me on some lovely tablets in the meantime before I can see him again. I asked him what they were. "You've been on them before" he told me. "What haven't I been on" I replied. May take up Claudie's advice and by shares in Glaxo Smith Klein.

Obviously it will be a while before I can see him since he's full to the brim with whining babies and old people until then. Never mind. Will pill pop and rest. Lovely.

Mood lifted even further by competition between Claudie and myself entitled 'Headlines in Guernsey* Newspapers' which is a follow on from out game of 'August Headlines in National Newspapers' born from a Press Association news story entitled: 'Air show ticket holders disappointed at event cancellation'. The trick is to invent headlines which aren't stories but might actually at some point appear, or even have appeared in local newspapers.

Anyway, some of my favourites:

'Wing mirrors collide, man angry'
'Cow dead at Home Farm, no one hurt'
'Shepherd denies offences as sheep stampede towards cliff'
'Experts say August could be hot, although admit 'it might be cooler too''
'Suffolk man caught with Scot woman, many gossip'
'leaves 'falling early from tree' claim residents'

Some EU themed ones:

'tiles fall from EU building in France, no one hurt'
'EU directive adopted, implications unclear'
'UKIP man battered by own flying turds, inquiry ordered'
'Georgia crisis: EU leaders look for map'

And the new hip craze taking over the world, skateboarding gerbils:

'EU Website hijacked by Mujahadin skateboarding gerbils, no inquiry ordered'
'skateboarding gerbil dies, Queen saddened'
From the Express: 'Diana loved skateboarding Gerbils'
Sunday Express: 'Exclusive! Skateboarding gerbil confesses to MI5 Diana plot, pages 5,6,7, 8, 9, 10'
and in the magazine: 'my life with the skateboarding gerbil'

The Daily Mail: 'skateboarding rodents: are asylum seekers to blame?'
and 'House Prices Tumble, Ministers blame skateboarding rodent'

The Daily Star" 'skateboarding rodent denies custard attack'

and my all time favourite, which may be because genius friend and I have a private joke involving the substance:

'Nottingham councillor denies charges of spraying custard at neighbour's dog'

*it doesn't need to be Guernsey. It can be anywhere other than London where activities may be sparse.

1 comment:

BigDai said...

'Wing mirrors collide, man angry'

funnily enough I did read much the same headline in the Jersey Evening Post a copy of months ago.