Oi, bitch! Get off my man!

Thanks to Mr E for pointing out that I have a rival who needs to know that she's very much down the list:

The contrast between him and David Miliband could not have been more acute: there was David on Thursday, an Italian cloth jacket slung sexily over his athletic shoulders, his dark hair in a boyish crop, signing autographs with a flourish, oozing star quality from every pore.

He even has his very own brood of adopted children, the only green way to make a family these days.

My goodness, if only his wife resembled Angelina Jolie, he could almost be our very own Brad Pitt.

Well, Liz Jones: It's got more chance of happening with me than you.

And she's not even faithful. Not like me:

Barack Obama (what with that movie-star smile and those long, long legs – no wonder the matronly white women queuing up for a peck on the cheek look as though they have just been asked on a date by Jesus

*vomits*

And if we go slightly further, we also find out she's a bit of a moron who clearly has no respect for her sex and considers us all idiots:

I am sorry to say this, but women consider only two criteria when voting for a future leader: Would I marry him? And will he make my own children more secure. That is it. Nothing, absolutely nothing else comes into it.

Speak for yourself, lady. I might be deep in love with the Miliband mark I but I wouldn't vote for him if you paid me. He has not had Trixy training yet, you see. Currently, given a choice between voting for Miliband and voting for Cameron I think I'd keep my ballot paper in my handbag for those emergency 'run out of loo roll' situations.

But the dear woman hasn't stopped yet....

I might be barren, but I’m not barmy. Let’s get a grip, fast. Yes, Gordon Brown has made mistakes (‘Sometimes little Tristan is full! I’m not going to make him finish his dinner just so that I don’t waste food! Do I have time to cook from scratch? I’m juggling!’) but he has done much that is commendable, and pretty brave, actually.

Is that bracket inserted in there by mistake? Anyway, Liz, as far as I can tell you're as bonkers as a leper with a brain tumour who has just had their head repeatedly slammed in a steel door. That's got to be the case if this article is actually what you think and not just a practical joke made because of a lost bet by a particularly vicious friend.

And it must have been some prize you were hoping for to humiliate yourself that much.