Friday, August 31, 2007

Olympic joke

The whole thing is a joke, but at least we can also get some jokes from the whole disaster...Why anyone thought that a Labour government could organise a large scale operation is anyone's guess. Last time they tried to do anything like that we ended up with a 3 day week and the dead unburied...

For Friday amusement, may I present...

LONDON 2012 Olympics

As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games East London 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford , especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by The Walthamstow Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

LATE NEWS

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

It IS the constitution

I don't really know how much clearer it can be. The Conference of Presidents, which is a meeting in the European Parliament comprising of the Presidents of the political groups, had this on their meeting summary:

Conference of Presidents Thursday 30 August 2007

Organisational arrangements for the 'Citizens' Forum'/Agora meetings in 2007

The Conference agreed to postpone the holding of the first Citizens' Forum on the

Constitutional Treaty issues from 18-19 October to 8-9 November 2007.

It couldn't be plainer, could it. It is being referred to by MEPs as the 'Constitutional Treaty'. It's not a 'reform treaty' and Brown and Miliband are wrong when they say that they are fundamentally different treaties. And they know they are wrong, because even though they come out with claims about 'red lines' even European Commissioners are saying that they are lines in the sand, and not concrete.

Other political leaders and politicians across the EU have had the decency to admit what the treaty is, if not the honour to allow the people the chance to have a say in a referendum. Well, they might come back with the wrong answer you see, like last time. Terribly inconvenient, that was, and then the EU had to instead put everything through piecemeal and make a song and dance and pretend to be listening to the people. What a bore, eh?

However, we still have on the record that amongst the detritus which emerges from the mouths of elected officials, there is:
German Chancellor Angela Merkel
"The fundamentals of the Constitution have been maintained in large part. We have renounced everything that makes people think of a state, like the flag and the national anthem." El Pais (25 June)
German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier
The mandate approved by the EU will "preserve the substance of the constitutional treaty". Agence Europe (25 June)
Spanish Prime Minister Jose Zapatero
"A great part of the content of the European Constitution is captured in the new treaties", Zapatero said. "Everyone has conceded a little so that we all gain a lot", added Zapatero. El Pais (25 June)
Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern
"Given the fact that there was strong legal advice that the draft constitution in 2004 would require a referendum in Ireland, and given the fact that these changes haven't made any dramatic change to the substance of what was agreed back in 2004, I think it is likely that a referendum will be held... thankfully they haven't changed the substance - 90 per cent of it is still there."
On the change of name for the EU Foreign Minister he said:
"It's the original job as proposed but they just put on this long title - High Representative for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy and also vice President of the Commission. It's the same job [.] it's still going to be the same position." Irish Independent (24 June)
Danish PM Anders Fogh Rasmussen
"The good thing is...that all the symbolic elements are gone, and that which really matters - the core - is left." Jyllands-Posten (25 June)
Finland's Europe Minister Astrid Thors
"There's nothing from the original institutional package that has been changed" TV-Nytt, (23 June)
Finland's State Secretary for EU Affairs Jari Luoto
There are few differences between it and "the constitutional treaty which has already been ratified by Finland's Parliament". YLE News
Elmar Brok MEP
"Despite all the compromises, the substance of the draft EU Constitution has been safeguarded." Euractiv (25 June)
Jo Leinen MEP
"We kept the substance of the Constitution"
Gerard Onesta MEP
"It's incredible to see what we slipped under the carpet"
Johannes Voggenhuber MEP
"All the Constitution is there! Nothing is missing!"

When is that bastard of a Prime Minister going to stop lying to us and grant us a referendum? No one is saying that he can't go round campaigning for a 'yes' vote, the misguided idiot, but to lie so openly and often and to break a major manifesto pledge is not even worthy of a Labour politician, so low it goes. The Tories have done it before and the Lib Dems are always trying to deceive people, since if most people knew what they really stood for I suspect they would rather cut off their hand than put a cross next to their candidate.

So maybe it is exactly what we should expect from all politicians, because all the parties are perfectly happy to deceive us, the public, the people who pay their wages, to suit their own personal ends.

What do we know, eh? And what do we matter. They just tell us lies and it's our own fault for letting them get away with it. If their lies and promises they can't keep weren't reported as if they were genuine pledges it would be a good start. But if when we caught them out, we stopped voting for the bastards, I think that would be an altogether better way of sending a message along the lines of:
Stop taking the piss out of us, you deluded freaks!

Opinions to the usual address, on a shoe box.

This month's bottle of Krug to anyone who can tell me what the Lib Dems are up to these days.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

EU undertake self regulation

From my Bruges Group update, I see that the EU have passed a new law which requires them to monitor their actions themselves...

* Rules on examining vegetables
Commission Directive 2007/49/EC amending Directive 2003/91/EC setting out implementing measures for the purposes of Article 7 of Council Directive 2002/55/EC as regards the characteristics to be covered as a minimum by the examination and the minimum conditions for examining certain varieties of vegetable species

Did anyone else read the really funny piece by David Cameron in The Sun yesterday? It contained hilarious tongue-in-cheek lines such as:

...what makes you think you can change the way our country is governemd without asking the British people first?


Well, as a Conservative he is well placed to answer his own question which he did with absolute accuracy..

...Arrogance.


Just like the Conservatives taking Britain into the Common Market, knowing full well the plans were for a political union, but denying the British people their say in a referendum? Just like the Maastricht Treaty, where Conservative Party forced through huge changes to how this country was governed without so much as a by your leave to the people who pay their wages?

I hope people see through the lies and arrogance of the Boy Dave. He really is a C**t.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Not the hokey cokey

Look. It's not down to the Human Rights Act, okay? Back in 2003 all those lying, mendacious bastards who are supposed to represent what people want yet do one thing in Brussels and say quite another back home, voting for a law which allowed the free movement of people.

I've written about it before, but just for you here is a snippet from the directive about people from the EU and criminal records:

2. Measures taken on grounds of public policy or public security shall comply with the principle of proportionality and shall be based exclusively on the personal conduct of the individual concerned. Previous criminal convictions shall not in themselves constitute grounds for taking such measures.


Expulsion orders may not be issued by the host Member State as a penalty or legal consequence of a custodial penalty, unless they conform to the requirements of Articles 27, 28, and 29.


That and, of course:
The fundamental and personal right of residence in another Member State is conferred directly on Union citizens by the Treaty and is not dependent upon their
having fulfilled administrative procedures.


Want to be able to expel people from this country? Better vote UKIP, then.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

just a little note....

I know there's lots of crap going on in the world, like EU regulations meaning that the murderer of Philip Lawrence can't be deported and so on, but apart from all that, I just want to say that I am really bloody happy.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I must thank the waitress the other day who seated me at a restaurant table where, lo and behold! The Redwood briefing on deregulation had been left for all and sundry to see. That was lucky.

Being rather interested in how Redwood was proposing to do all these promises, including opting out of all this EU legislation, I decided to have a peek. Well, no harm would be done, would it?

I'm glad I did in a way, but also cross that once again I know that the Tories are getting coverage for proposing to do something that they can't do without a huge legal battle. Namely, opt out of EU legislation which is incorporated into Treaties we have signed, unilaterally. Let me explain:

The regulatory cost to businesses in the UK is estimated by the EU to be £70 billion. The Conservative Party wish to change that through a series of deregulatory alterations in structure and legislation. As most of this regulation comes from the EU, there are mountains to climb if they wish to achieve their goal.

Over half the regulations applying to businesses in the UK are from the EU. The proposals to seek opt outs from the areas of regulation considered 'most damaging' are wishful thinking given the reality of the EU and our membership thereof.

The areas mainly focussed on by these proposals are those pertaining to employment legislation and social policy. The headline calls are for opting back out of the Social Chapter whilst remaining part of the EU which in itself is ridiculous.

When the Maastrict Treaty was signed by the Conservative Party they secured an 'opt out' of what was then known as the 'Social Chapter'. The Amsterdam Treaty, signed by the Labour government in 2000 allowed the full incorporation of the agreement into the new document.

The feasibility of a Member State withdrawing from the Social Chapter under the current treaties is limited: In a reply to this question, the President of the European Commission, Mr Barroso, wrote:

'The Commission assumes that when the honourable member refers to the Social Chapter in the Treaties, he is referring to the social provisions contained in Articles 136 to 145 of the EC Treaty. These provisions are part of the whole Treaty and cannot be isolated. All member states are bound by the Treaties they have signed and ratified and which have entered into force, including the social provisions they contain. Consequently, a withdrawal from these provisions by a Member State would require an amendment of the EU Treaty in accordance with Article 48 of the Treaty on European Union.'

Article 48 states that:

'The government of any Member State of the Commission may submit to the Council proposals for the amendment of the Treaties on which the Union is founded.

If the Council, after consulting the European Parliament and, where appropriate, the Commission, delivers an opinion in favour of calling a conference of representatives of the governments of the Member States, the conference shall be convened by the President of the Council for the purpose of determining by common accord the amendments to be made to those Treaties...

The amendments shall enter into force after being ratified by all the Member States in accordance with their respective constitutional requirements.'

In short, the Social Chapter does not exist and is now part of the Acquis Communautaire. It is not possible for one country to 'opt out' of a section of the Treaty without the Treaty being altered which requires unanimity in the Council of Ministers: 27 countries agreeing to the same thing.

The proposals by the Conservatives that

'We should legislate in the UK if our partners do not grant us reasonable opt outs from the regulations we find are most damaging. This could be done, as a last resort, by means of an amendment to the 1972 European Communities Act to allow the UK to dis apply EU regulation unilaterally where we think it is against our national interest to apply it.'


Apart from this being a very ambiguous way of deciding which regulations to opt out of, it is also rather risky for a party wishing to stay members of the EU.

It is perfectly possible for the amendments to the Act of Parliament to be made in this country, but the impacts, of course, are not limited to the borders of the UK. Such amendments would constitute a breach of the Treaty of Rome and the European Commission would be able to take the UK to the European Court of Justice which, is the highest court in the EU. According to the Factortame case (1990) national courts can dis apply domestic legislation that contravenes EU law, thus reaffirming the primacy of EU law over UK law.

Even if by some miracle, Call-me-Dave did agree to these proposals, it would in all probability end up in a costly legal battle with the EU in the ECJ. Given that Dave isn't really a eurosceptic, I can't see the Tories actually going through with any of this. In fact, all I can really see this as is a way for the Shadow Cabinet to gag John Redwood into any more attacks on the party leadership and meaningless headlines to stop people leaving the Tory party by lying to them that they are actually going to so something about these montrous EU regulations, many of which their MEPs voted for.

In the case of some of the financial ones, the former MEP Theresa Villiers, now MP, was instrumental in the Financial Services Action Plan. (She, of course, said on Question Time that she thought that holocaust denial should be a crime so is evidently not in favour of freedom of speech...or maybe she is, but she just represents a constituency with a large Jewish community?).

It's much the same as these tax cuts. Lots of lovely headlines about getting rid of IHT (a UKIP proposal which was launched last October with no corresponding increases in other taxes) but how far does one have to read to find out that these will be 'offset' by Environmental Taxes? So, the Tories have still not got to grips with this idea that tax cutting is expansionary fiscal policy, and think that they can only cut taxes when the economy is doing a bit better.

Surely, given the demostration of the last 10 years when we are told that our standards of living are rising, yet more and more people are deep in the red, young people can't get on the housing ladder and recently a flagship NHS hospital did not have any trained medical staff to help a woman give birth, we can read this as being complete crap. The rises in tax on everything from income to ice cream, savings to stockings and that pound down the side of your sofa have resulted in a worse standard of living.

The government simply cannot run every aspect of our lives. We need the state to be rolled back. We need less government, less tax and less meaningless spin. We need action, not words and someone to stand up to these politicians and tell them that they are speaking shit, and we're sick of being patronised and lied to.

Any offers?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Emergency Kevlars required

After last night my desire to own a kevlar hoodie has increased exponentially.
We have always had problems with the group of vile kids who hang around outside our house screaming, breaking the fence and beating each other up with the wooden planks, throwing milk bottles and rocks around, playing loud music at all hours of the night and scream in a very loud, very common, very irritating nasal whine. And they like to drug deal outside there, too. Their mate comes round on a bike and they sit around boasting about their narcotic intake whilst keeping lots of people, mainly my housemate whose window they like to sit under, awake.

Before I went away it was so bad that I had decided I would be moving back to Suburbia so I could try get a decent nights sleep and not walk to work through a mound of broken glass each morning. I had also decided that I would not be putting up with the noise from the kids, or the complete and utter ineptitude of the local council and the local police.

I had spent hours and hours on the phone trying to get through to *anyone* to sort them out, but I never managed to get through to a human being. Nice. Last night, though, I tried a different station and finally got through to someone. Shortly after explaining what had happened, house mate and I looked out of the window and saw a kid of about 16 with the typical chav uniform of baseball cap and trainers, eyes glazed with a slightly confused look typically found in those with a low IQ, walking down the road with two huge knives in his hand. HUGE knives. Behind him was his 'robin', also holding a knife.

They were shouting at someone down the road, and saying something along the lines of 'you want to see a fucking knife? This is a fucking knife!'

It's two knives, actually, you pathetic little retard.

So I call up the police and tell them that on top of kids drug dealing under the window they are now trying to knife each other, sans keflon hoodie. Well, they get a bit more interested and take details, including the name of the guy which HM managed to glean and what he was wearing.

The police van drove by, got to the end of the road, and turned back again. They drove straight past a gang of 6 pikeys standing by the side of the road who all knew exactly what happened and possibly contained the little blade-loving turd himself, but they didn't stop. And I never saw them again.

Can someone tell me why I pay my council tax? I know it's supposed to be the lowest in the country, and isn't that wonderful and blah blah, but they've halved our bin collections but we still only have the one dustbin so we get half the service. There are bin bags in the house because there's no room outside and if we leave the bin bags out then the foxes shred them and no one cleans up because there is no street cleaning. And the kids who live in the council houses make the people who have to go to work's lives a misery by keeping them up all night with their screaming and shouting and loud music and desire to smash everything.

Why should I pay for them to exist to make my life a misery, and why should I pay for the police when they have no desire to protect me against people with knives?

Answers on a shoebox, to the usual address.

Very serious problem

Some pupils at a school that their parents have to pay extra money for have done something humourous and clever. The SNP MSP for Perth is 'outraged'. Everyone else wonders why she didn't just keep her trap shut...

Monday, August 13, 2007

New fashion item

Avid readers will know that I am a style guru extraordinaire with a large collection of shoes (the latest ones are hot pink stilettos and a very nice orange dress from Nicole Farhi) but I have found an item which should be in even greater demand than the Roland Mouret Moon dress

For the lad about town, the city gent, the lady who lunches or anyone who doesn't want a knife in their back, I present the Kevlar Hoodie:



From their website we can see that the specially designed hoodie gives the wearer additional protection from knife attacks. Because those white slashes in the picture above we made when a 15 year old was slashed more than 20 times across his back when he was using the cash machine. The hoodies are made from stab and fire resistant material work by British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. I am going to invest in one; they company have now brought them out in pink....

Crazy country

Honestly. I leave the country and the next day we have a foot and mouth outbreak.

I had a lovely time away from all the crap here but now I am back I am once again depressed by the state of this country.

Take this story:

A HOME owner has been arrested after confronting an intruder who plunged from the balcony of his top floor flat. It is understood that Patrick Walsh, 56, awoke to find the 43-year-old intruder rifling through his flat at about 6.00am on Monday.
A confrontation followed and it is believed the intruder made his escape through the window before dropping on to a concrete yard.

So some guy breaks into someone else's house, falls out of the window and the victim in all of this gets arrested.

There needs to be an end to this idea where people defending themselves and their property end up in trouble with the law. The law should be there to defend people who abide by it. With rights comes responsibilities and I don't see why someone who breaks the law should then be defended by it. If someone hurts themselves when they break the law, I think tough shit. If they hadn't put themselves in a situation where they could get hurt by breaking the law then they wouldn't be in that position. DOn't want to fall out of a top floor flat? Then don't break into a top floor flat.
Mr Walsh was then arrested on suspicion of causing grievous bodily harm with intent. He has been bailed until November...Det Insp Will Chatterton, who is leading the inquiry, said arresting Mr Walsh was the right course of action given the `ambiguities' of the case...

Personally, given the state of crime in this country, with people being let out of prison early only to re offend, the inability of immigration officers to deny entry to people from EU countries who have criminal records and police too tied up with paper work to actually go out and fight crime, the police should probably stop arresting people who were trying to defend their person and their property. If people who committed crimes didn't have the knowledge that anyone trying to protect themselves would probably end up in more trouble than they would for committing the crime in the first place, maybe there would be a few less burglaries?

Break the law, and expect to get shafted, I say. We should be deterring people from being thieving arseholes, not slamming the people who are the victims in the whole situation.

*once again I say, don't come moaning to me with your bleeding heart socialism about how everyone has human rights and all that shit. Stick to the law and it should be there to protect you. Don't keep your side of the bargain and expect to be cast out in the cold.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Some good news for everyone!

Alongside the fact that already my sun tan is progressing nicely, some good news from yesterday:

A badly burned man detained after the suspected terror attack at Glasgow Airport has died in a Glasgow hospital.

Kafeel Ahmed was one of two men held at the airport after a Jeep struck the terminal and burst into flames.

The 27-year-old, from Bangalore, India, had suffered burns to 90% of his body when he was arrested.

Good. One less murdering terrorist on the streets of Britain. Although to be honest, reading:
The man died in Glasgow Royal Infirmary on Thursday evening. He had been transferred to the specialist burns unit there from the Royal Alexandra Hospital, in Paisley.

I do actually object somewhat to my tax money being spent on someone who tried to murder hundreds of people and cause hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage. Because of our NHS, the people he tried to kill essentially paid for his medical treatment.

But the story reminds me of a text message forwarded to me from Beloved:
1 can of petrol £5.40, 2 Calor Gas bottles £42.50, 2nsd hand Jeep Cherokee £2,450. Watching two murdering terrorists try and burn themselves alive? Priceless!

P.s if anyone moans at me about how this is terrible taste, how could I want them to die blah blah, don't bother. Fuck off, am not interested in your politically correct rubbish. If we spent less time making excuses and more time doing something about scum like this maybe the country would be in a better situation than it is now.

Friday, August 03, 2007

These things are sent to try us....

Considering that I’m a stroppy cow at the best of times, I thought that surviving six and a half hours before having a tantrum was pretty good going. It’s not even my fault really that I did; it’s that I have had to spend so much time in the company of other people. Airports are shitty places anyway but airports in summer are just evil, cursed places full of disappointment and stress.

London Gatwick on a muggy Thursday is not a nice place to be. Thankfully, Air Malta had laid on lunch for us fortunate passengers delayed by the non arrival of our plane at the Hilton Hotel. I paid for possibly the most expensive internet connection in history so for a few hours I could get on with doing some work, and fuck around on facebook. Well worth it, I say. I was even in such a jolly mood I lent my copy of heat magazine to some girls sitting next to me. I didn’t even complain when the Hilton bent me over and buggered me senseless by charging me £2.40 for half a lemonade which, it turned out, was mainly ice. C’est la vie! Thought I, sipping my drink, before trotting outside for a cigarette.

Cigarette. Hmmm. I’d kill for one of those now. No, really, I mean kill. At the very least throttle someone. Preferably someone who voted for the jizz stain that is this pointless piece of legislation. Because I think that’s why I was so stressed. There were shops for me to busy myself in, shoes for me to look at and alcohol to be purchased. But as I gazed longingly towards the tables where the smoking section used to be, I just felt unsatisfied. I felt more than unsatisfied. I felt a gnawing sensation of frustration rush over me like the waves on a beach as the tide comes in. Hungrily, I trotted off in search of something to eat.

Since there was only about 40 minutes until we would be called to the gate, I settled for something quick, easy and probably, gross. Ah! There were the golden arches of the McDonalds, with the satisfyingly long queues for the tills manned by talking monkeys!

I was not disappointed. McShops are normally fairly irritating places where one has to explain a million times that you don’t want that, you want the other thing. No....that one. This one really took the biscuit, though. I stood for 10 minutes in a queue that didn’t move, served by a girl who was getting confused about a chicken sandwich. Luckily, The Boy called me, and I hastily departed away from the cause of so much angst to hear his voice and listen to his words sooth me. That still left me somewhat hungry, though, and I mooched around the other possible watering holes to find a cure for my twitching tummy.

And tripped over about 30 screaming children.

Argh! Why have they all come out to bother me? And why are they all ginger? Why do their parents not keep them under control? When I was younger, I was under no illusions that misbehaving, especially in public, brought about the swift arrival of Mr Smack, and consequently I behaved myself. My parents didn’t bribe me with ice cream or other e-numbered sticky delights, nor did they simper at someone who may have had their foot run over by a suitcase which was being treated like a toy from a fractious child, instead of apologising.

Yet I have to put up with all this nonsense, and because I’m a woman, I’m expected to like children and tolerate it. Well, I don’t tolerate it, goddamit. I especially don’t tolerate it when I have not had a cigarette for hours and some dim twat at McCraps has just told me, after being in a queue for 15 minutes (Fast food anyone?) that the only thing they serve for vegetarians is a chicken fucking sandwich.
One problem with that, sunshine. It’s got chicken in it. If I didn’t have a problem about eating meat then I would order a burger. Sod that, I’d order a fillet steak, rare, with some mushrooms on the side and bĂ©arnaise sauce. Yum.

And I really don’t tolerate anyone being badly behaved, except myself, when I haven’t had a cigarette for 5 hours and I can’t get one because I’m in departures and there is no longer a smoking section, I have to queue up with a load of people who look like they are flying to Malta to join the rest of the cast from Coronation Street and I am hungry.

Am now on the flight and I can hear some of those children. I have at least another two hours before I can have a cigarette and, someone near me is farting with such frequency and power that I think they have some kind of rotting animal in their bowels. It’s either one of the two brassy divorcees from Essex or similar who are going to Malta to find Shirley Valentine style love, the blonde woman in front who is wearing stone washed denim, her boyfriend who is wearing a straw hat and chewing gum (with that hat it should really be an ear of corn) or the guy next to me on the other side who is reading Harry Potter and has come in his best line dancing outfit.

Just to be sure, I think I’ll kill ‘em all.

That is, after I have killed the person at Air Malta who failed to book me a vegetarian meal. It’s quite a long flight I’m on, and since didn’t manage to get anything in the airport apart from a bottle of water, I’m still rather hungry. I ordered a vegetarian meal when I booked my flight. I sent an e-mail yesterday when I tried to check in on line but found out that I couldn’t. And yet, I do not have a vegetarian meal. No; instead I have a dish of dog poo with green beans and rice. I hate rice and most of the beans are mixed up with the dog poo / beef so I can’t have those. And the pudding just looks gross. Ah! Emergency bread, cheese spread and maltese biscuits, thank the lord. Well, not that much, though, since he didn’t get me the original meal which would have at least allowed me some veggies.

The Air Malta staff are simply wonderful, though. Bringing me extra cheese and biscuits and plying me with lots of vodka and tonic. Thank heavens for them. And they’ve made sure that my ‘v-freak (as my beloved would call it) meal is ordered for my return journey. But I’m not going to dwell on that because the decent has started, and finally, my holiday is about to begin. Yippee!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Fashion police

I had a little rant to myself the other morning when I heard that the Energy Saving Trust (save your own energy: shut the fuck up) wanted to ban patio heaters and were telling people to 'wear jumpers' instead.

Look, sunshine, you and your other little fascist bastards wanted to ban smoking in public places, so now us smokers go outside. I, personally, choose a place outside near a group of people who hate smoke. Don't like it? Fuck off inside, because I sure as hell can't. And I dare not stop smoking in case the NHS runs out of money.

So of course we have more patio heaters now because there are more people sitting outside now who need warming up. But whose fault is that? It's the people who wanted a smoking ban, that's who. So shove that in your pipe and smoke it, you little Hitler, you, Philip Sellwood.

You want to put on a jumper? You put on a sodding jumper. These bastards tell me how long I can work for, what I can do at work, they're trying to tell me what to eat, trying to lock people up for having the nerve to voice opinions,now they tell me I can't smoke, but more importantly, they are now trying to dicate fashion.

I suspect that Ol' Trix can manage perfectly well without being told by

a man with a hair style based on a loo brush and the complexion of a clumsy bee keeper how she should look.

In the words of the Devil himself, in a piece of linguistic genius:

you are a shit-stain on the trousers of the world.

We're all going on a summer holiday!

Yes! Finally the day has come! I'm off to the sunshine. Factor 2 Sun oil and rather expensive, yet beautiful bikini is packed. Well, I would be if the flight hadn't been delayed by 5 hours, but with a technical error I'd rather they fixed it before I boarded. I'm a good swimmer and all, but generally not when I've plummeted 33,000 ft before taking the plunge.

So my already light blogging may become 'blogging lite' as I write about frivilous items instead, or I could have a full scale week long rant as I see how the place has changed with all these new EU directives and immigration problems since I was last there.

Anyone taking bets on which ones?