I was kindly tagged by Mark Wadsworth to list the 8 Things I want to happen in 2008. So, here goes:

1. I can pay my tax bill
2. I can pay by tax bill in 2009 because someone teaches Gordon Brown economics and he cuts tax, but better still
3. There is a snap general election and UKIP get elected
4. I find a ballroom dancing/Argentine Tango partner who is tall enough for me
5. I finish learning my Schubert impromptu and learn Chopin's Etude in E
6. My mother decides that 2 cats aren't enough and we must simply get kittens
7. My nose decreases in size
8. People realise what a bunch of arse religion is and stop wasting time, money and lives on it.

I tag Chip Dale, DK, Katy, Mr E and The lady formerly known as Belle du Jure. Ha.

If you want to have a...

oooh, I feel like I've been away for weeks, rather than a few blissful days of doing bugger all. I haven't had the energy to write about serious news stories, because it was the festive season and if I needed to, it was for work.

But one thing did interest me over this yuletide extended drinking session, and I wonder what Polly would make of it? I know she regularly gang-bangs the Swedish model, thinking it everything wonderful (bits of it maybe so, but the price of booze nor the rate of tax is) but what would she make of the seeming combining of their health service and police?

Eh? I hear you utterly, intelligently. Well, let me expand a little. A friend of mine from Sweden informed me that she had some extra curricular activities during a long and winding down relationship with some dull twat. 'We've all been there, honey', I told her, as I tried to remember the name of the chap sitting across the bar and quite how, and how well, I knew him. The chap she had the dalliance with was something of a dish, she tells me, although I suspect this meant that he also got around a bit. In any case, they did the dirty without the mac and wellies and then she gets a call saying she might have Chlamydia and can she come in for a test.

Well, I told her it was nothing to worry about and anyone who was sexually active should have regular check ups down there but she said she went, they wouldn't do the test with urine, so she left. Understandable to be a bit shy of someone poking around the lady vixen parts with a rather large cotton bud but nothing to, excuse the phrase, get ones knickers in a twist over. Anyway, she tells me that she has to keep it quiet because it may have been caught on the sly and boyfriend may get someone peeved about it. Well, serves him right for not being a good enough boyfriend or she wouldn't have needed to look elsewhere, I think.

But apparently, not going along for a test isn't an option. In Sweden, I am informed, if you don't turn up for a test within two months of someone saying they had sex with you and they have the germ, they send the police round to take you to the clinic. At this point, I did slip backwards off the bar stool and check that I hadn't misheard her, but no, I had it right. So if someone gets an STI and says they had unprotected sex with you, even if you didn't, you have to go prove your innocence by having a big stick swished around inside your Mrs Mimzy.

Now, I'm all for people taking precautions and think that men who go round having unprotected sex with people and lying to girls telling them they are all healthy and checked and not sleeping with anyone else should have their dicks chopped off and attached to their foreheads with a big sign round their neck saying 'dirty stinking liar' because women are more likely to get diseases than men. And if anyone is having a deep and meaningful overnight relationship then they should definitely be careful.

But really. Getting taken to a clinic by the police because of what someone else says, over what is your own body is really unbelievable!

I do hope that that doesn't actually happen, because I find it unbelievably scary.

lock up the lags! kick out the..crims!

About 50 million years ago, or so it seemed, I wrote to the Home Office to ask them to tell me how many foreign nationals were being held in British prisons have been released without deportation, and how many of those are from EEA countries.
The other day, I finally received a letter, informing me that to tell me the answer to that would cost too much money, although they don't explain why this is or how they actually calculate it without first doing the work.

I notice today that what they informed me in my letter has also been leaked to the media by some disgruntled prison officers in receipt of a Home Office memo, so being the nice young lady that I am, I will write down the criteria for deporting someone:

Non-EEA nationals:
Recommendation for deportation at the time of receiving sa sentence for crime committed within the UK or;
Received a 12 months custodial sentence for a crime committed within the UK or;
Received a cumulative total of 12 months worth or 2-3 month custodial sentences for crimes committed within the UK over the space of 5 years.

EEA nationals

Recommendation for deportation at the time of receiving sentence for crime committed within the UK or
Received a 24 month custodial sentence for a crime committed within the UK

Note, these are only recommendations for deportation. They then go on to inform me that

Criminal Casework Directorate will not have all foreign national criminals referred to them as colleagues within the Prison Service will only refer individuals that meet the above criteria. Colleagues within the Ministry of Justice hold information on the number of foreign national prisoners released from prison, however this is not broken down into differentiate between those that have been released on parole and those that have then moved into the Border and Immigration Agency detention estate pending their removal.

They also attached a letter sent to Keith Vaz, as Chairman(or 'chair' as he calls it)of the Home Affairs Select Committee on 20th November. I notice that this dastardly Labour MP did not feel the need to inform the public of information such as 127 foreign criminals being lost. Yes, they've LOST THEM.

You see, because of turds like Clive Stafford Smith who seem to think that the well being of terrorists is superior to law abiding British people, although he probably gets paid with legal aid from our taxes, it takes a long time to even decide whether someone is going to be deported. And in this situation, the law says you can't keep them banded up until their hearing is heard so we have to let them go. Weeeee, off they go!

Let's have some more figures, shall we?
There are currently around 1500 FNP whose sentences have expired and are detained in the Agency or Prison Estate and who are awaiting deportation

In July there were 1013 FNPs released without deportation. Now, 631 or the 1013 have had their cases concluded with 261 of these 631 being deported. bye bye! Why aren't the rest of you going, though?

50 of them are still serving a custodial sentence. Fingers crossed they go back as well.

205 individuals are going through the deportation process which takes a long time because their human rights have to be considered.

What about my human rights? Why can't I live in a country with fewer criminals? Why can't we stop foreign criminals coming in? Why do I have to pay for foreign criminals? How long before we get Sangatte III?

We won't give shelter and protection to the Iraqi translators but we won't kick out Polish Paedophiles?
As we well know

Article 27 (2) of 2004/58/EC says:

'Measures taken on grounds of public policy or public security shall comply with the principle of proportionality and shall be based exclusively on the personal conduct of the individual concerned. Previous criminal convictions shall not in themselves constitute grounds for taking such measures (restricting freedom of movement).'

So who is going to mention the elephant in the room? Can we not have a proper debate about this sham that is our immigration policy? I'm sick of listening to people debate something and they as soon as they realise that it's an EU law, act as if they can't do anything about it. Because we can.

Pussy Cat Christmas

A CAT'S CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.

'Must be Santa' thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

'Wow, the best Christmas ever!'
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.

updated video

To the tedious little person who keeps on complaining about my comment re Arlene McCarthy, the reason I haven't published your comments is because you posted crap and won't put your name on, which leads me to believe you are
1) Arlene herself or

2) Work for Arlene and therefore are economically retarded and don't like democracy

And you are a spaz because you think that Arlene McCarthy can actually do something about guns in Britain when even our civil servants don't know how many guns are in the country, and we don't have any border controls to control what comes in and out.

So stop boring me. Unless you write something interesting I will just delete you.

Although do post that one about Arlene and the guns again (not of Navarone, I notice)so we can all have a good laugh.

A little thought for this festive season, from my darling friend Minge:

"Trixy" he writes, "Too often we lose sign of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and slap the twat."

I think we'll all agree that Minge has offered us all sensible advice."

The protest they didn't want you to see

But I don't care what they want as they are anti-democratic and are denying people the opportunity to have their say on their own future.

So here you go!

My favourite comment of the day from Dr Whittaker MEP, following the news that his North West colleague Arlene McCarthy had decided to attack him for not being in Strasbourg but staying in his constituency (and therefore not claiming expenses or polluting the atmosphere like you, Arlene)

"Dear old Arlene. She'll never manage to realise what a waste of space she is".

Well, quite.

My footage of the protest yesterday, which pro statist anti democratic MEPs are trying to use to get MEPs banned from the chamber on the grounds that it bursts their europhile, communist bubble, is on its way to me as we speak. Please watch it, and feel free to use it!

Bye bye, Democracy!

Not that you'd know if you only watched the British media, but the Charter of Fundamental Rights has been signed today in Strasbourg.

The President of the European Parliament, Council and Commission all made sickening speeches in front of mainly fawning/masturbating MEPs and then say down to give the EU yet more rights over countries including the UK.

Now, obviously there were some MEPs in the Chamber who were none too happy about this steamroller of EU law without so much as a by your leave towards the people who pay their fucking wages.

Not that the EU paid any attention to MEPs, mainly UKIP and their Ind Dem colleagues, asking for a referendum for the people. It might be nice, you know. As I learned myself when I was in Strasbourg, political debate is not welcome in the EU and they will lower themselves to whatever needs to be done to ensure the survival of the European SuperState. They blocked the sound out and made sure that the parliament TV did not show any of the protesters. Luckily, the BBC and ITV have footage, as they saw that the European Parliament editors were going to turn they tax payer funded equipment away from the actual event. Let's just wait and see if anyone bothers to put it on our airwaves, shall we, although I wonder whether some pointless 'story' about a football manager is considered more important than the future of our country.

They played Ode To Joy and it was announced as 'colleagues we shall now listen to the European Anthem'. Ramrod straight they stood, MEPs from all over the EU including Britain (yes, I saw you British MEPs - from all three main parties) treat the rather crap piece by Beethoven as if it were a national anthem. And for many, it was.

Gary Titley who recently announced that he wasn't going to stand as an MEP again because of the traveling to Strasbourg, was really rather miffed. The anti democratic, vomit-inducing waste of oxygen decided to let UKIP leader Nigel Farage know exactly how he felt about people wanting a referendum by shoving him and f-ing and blinding at him. Well, I'm going to F and blind back at you Titley, you mop headed, contagiously evil, ugly cunt. I hope you rot in hell, you hideous waste of oxygen. I'd jump straight on this carbon neutral bandwagon if it meant I had a legitimate use of snuffing out polluters like you.

Eliab pointed out to me that TITley's predecessor, Alan Donnelly, also stood down for much the same reasons, although how honest that is is questionable since he is now working for the nuclear industry and doing a damn site more traveling than before, although perhaps for more money?

Someone who also 'did a Titley' was one of the British Conservatives colleagues,Jose Pomes Ruiz , who decided in his wisdom to drag my friend out of the chamber, throw her in a cordoned off area outside the hemicycle and refuse to let her go unless she handed over her footage of the protest. Luckily, she's made of tougher stuff than some Spanish wanker with a chip on his shoulder about democracy (and she didn't want to appear weak next to me who was attacked by 5 people in the European Parliament for protesting!) and I am shortly to receive the YouTube link with the footage of the event, thus sticking two fingers up to the lazy broadcasters who can't be bothered to show it to the British people. Needless to say, it will be on Shoes as soon as I have it.

So, there we go. Charter of Fundamental Rights which, make no mistake, WILL be law in the UK, has been signed by two Portuguese Kilroy lookalikes and a German with no more grasp of democracy than a communist. So it's quite important, and yet you wouldn't know it...

Was having a chat with a former amour of mine and asking him about revenge and his comment brought tears of joy to my eyes...

"Trixy; me teaching you about revenge is like a French aristocrat giving advice to the executioner on how to use the Guillotine."

It made me feel proud of myself.

I am angry. I don't give two fucks whether some Portuguese guy doesn't want to manage the England team. I do care about the fact that 16 members of the EU have signed up to a declaration which will go on the bottom of the treaty.

Just two days before the treaty is to be signed in Lisbon, they have called for the EU flag, anthem and motto to be restored to the discredited document.

They also want to impose the euro currency on all member states and celebrate a “Europe Day”.

Can we all shut the fuck up about how this isn't the Constitution, it is the fucking constitution. In two days time the blasted thing will be signed - before national parliaments get to read it - and I think that perhaps that is more important than a bunch of overpaid men with stupid haircuts and who will make them run around the pitch and do keepy-uppy.

It is, after all, about the future of our country. Or maybe I'm just being sentimental and daft?

Pulling the Punches

Sometimes there is very little need for a comment....

Superdrug today pulled a women's boxing set from sale following complaints from a support group for male domestic violence victims.

The ManKind Initiative said the man-shaped inflatable punch bag encouraged women to hit men.

It wrote to Superdrug's managing director calling for the £9.99 product to be withdrawn.

The Hers Boxing Set comes in pink packaging and contains a man-shaped punch bag and a pair of boxing gloves.

The ManKind Initiative complained that owners were encouraged to insert photos of a man for the punch bag's face.

A picture on the product packaging shows an arrow pointing to a man's groin saying "kick him here".

Mark Brooks, chairman of The ManKind Initiative, said the fact that Superdrug did not sell a similar product for men suggested domestic violence against men was more acceptable.

"As a charity that receives hundreds of calls a year from distressed men suffering from domestic violence, it is disgraceful that a national retailer like Superdrug should be openly selling products encouraging such acts," he said.

Superdrug responded by saying it would pull the boxing sets from its shops and website.

"We apologise if any offence has been caused by selling this product, that was never our intention. We are withdrawing this product immediately," a spokeswoman for the chain said.

Superdrug will offer to donate all profits from previous sales of the Hers Boxing Set to The ManKind Initiative.

The charity says at least one in every three acts of domestic violence are committed against a man.

May I suggest that it was slightly unnecessary to withdraw the product because women essentially get frustrated at men and their many faults and would like to punch them to let out aggression, but actually don't. This kit is a humourous way to let off steam and a joke amongst women who all know how irritating men are. It's not actually encouraging women to go punch men now, is it, because they can do all that on a blow up punch bag!
World's gone mad.

Some conversations with my father

Walking from St James' park to Jermyn Street today, my father and I passed lots of well dressed people all gathered together.

Daddy: "It must be MBE day"

Me: "Yes. Or perhaps a funeral."

Daddy: "Why a funeral?"

Me: "Well, they are all wearing black, sombre clothing"

Daddy: "Oh, I didn't notice that."

Later on, walking up Bond Street

Daddy: "I found an earring yesterday. It looked like a Victorian piece. Lots of expensive looking stones and coloured glass."

Me: "You should show it to me. If it's very lovely, I could get another one made to match."

Daddy: "Yes. Or flog it to a one eared bloke."

Later still, walking down towards Berkeley Square

Daddy: "Who is Stella McCartney?"

Me: "Paul McCartney's daughter."

Daddy: "Well, why does she have a shop just because she's someone's daughter?"

Me: "She's also a fashion designer. Quite a famous one, too.

Daddy: (Glances into, admittedly sparse, window) "Well, she's not going to do very well if she only has one dress to sell."

Defence Minister Baroness Taylor today announced a £35 million major upgrade to the Royal Navy frigate HMS Sutherland. New equipment valued at £18 million will be installed as part of a general overhaul of the ship under a £17 million contract with Babock Marine at their Rosyth dockyard in Scotland.

Hmmm. Lots of money going to Gordon Brown's local shipyard.

Well, we can all rest assured that if Gordon Brown does leave office in the near future, on the basis of being not only utterly incompetent but also incredibly damaging to this country, that he won't be working for the security services.

This is because one of their criteria for working for them is:

Those who wish to overthrow or undermine parliamentary democracy by political, industrial or violent means;

Which, come to think of it, means that no one who agrees with the EU can work for them.
Although I suspect they may consider that UKIP are more threatening than the bastards who are supposed to govern us.

Not only that, but:

Individuals whose reliability is in doubt because:

they may be susceptible to pressure or improper influence;

they have shown dishonesty or lack of integrity;

they have demonstrated behaviour or are subject to personal circumstances which indicate unreliability.

So that rules them out again, then. And some chap on a motorbike, and some chap who works in HMRC...

I have just cut off my incredibly long finger nails (my mother tells me that doing this in the kitchen with the food prep scissors wasn't the most ladylike thing I could have done, but I was in a hurry) so now I can play the piano properly rather than trying with finger stilts.

Ever since I left school and stopped having my piano lessons and concerts and exams and A-Levels to prepare for, I have rather neglected my piano playing.Okay, when I was at uni and then in Brussels it wasn't easy as I didn't have a piano, but now I have a gorgeous boudoir grand, there is no excuse.

So this what I hahve decided to learn properly. And by that, I mean imagining I was preparing for a concert. Which I will never do again, sob! Unless I get drunk and try to play the piano at the Ritz club...

It's enough to make anyone turn to drink

I think that plans to make the drink driving limit even lower are unnecessary and should not be made by people who are driven around by chauffeurs at the expense of the tax payer.

I don't see how having a glass of wine and then driving is so absolutely terrible; personally I find people who drive very badly much worse as they make other people angry. Like people who insist on driving slowly in the middle lane of a motorway. Or any kind of 'traffic calming' measure because it enrages me, rather than calms me.

And as for just randomly stopping people to breathalyse them whether or not there is concern for it:

GO CATCH SOME CRIMINALS!

I presume this is because they have arrest targets and so they think it will be easier to reach those if they can lock someone up for having ane extra portion of sherry trifle at dinner, but I think most of us would prefer the police to catch murders or stop people mugging innocent people in the street.

That is all. Thank you.

Sudaniband

The Ranting Guttersnipe has our Foriegn Secretary and his meaningless words completely summed up, in my opinion!

At no point will he have used the word fucktard, at no point will he have inserted the phrase despotic hate-filled cuntjunta, at no point will he have told the ambassador to go fuck himself, at no point will he have smacked his fuckwit face into the teak tables with a sledgehammer. Therefore I imagine that the strongest terms have not been used.

I suspect instead they just simpered at each other, and Miliband asked for some help with his alegbra homework...

Lord knows, I'm not one to gossip...

BUT having watched the latest edition of Question Time, I feel I must.

UKIP hadn't been on Question Time for 8 months, whereas in the same time, Peter Hain had been on four times, Ming Campbell four times, the token ethnic lady from the Tories was on again and again, a historian was on 4 times, there were 8 Daily Mail journalists on, and the same faces popping up again and again. The producer on QT said that they were 'booked up until Christmas' but after an angry phone call from the party, a reluctant Jenny Parks, who used to produce a sunday TV programme which UKIP were never invited on, said there was space for Nigel Farage this evening. Interestingly, they had not confirmed the panel for this evening until earlier today.

I hear that the producer refused to speak to him all evening and Dimbleby himself was very off hand, when previously he had been pleasant. I was not the only one to notice the was that Nigel was very much slighted by the BBC in what they clearly wanted to be a party political broadcast by the Labour Party. Why else would they have two Brown supporters on, including the nasty Paul Myners who donates money to the man who robs your old age and of course is a trustee of the Smith Institute.

Sarah Teather is also a moron. Poor girl, she doesn't understand the difference between immigration and work permits. I would pity her if she didn't have a big salary and make laws that people have to abide by. I think there should be tests for voters, but clearly we have to have exams for would be politicians to make sure people like this don't get power.

And how come Tap Dancing Caroline Flint is Minister for Employment when she's only ever worked for political parties, quangos or the unions? Surely it would be better to have someone in that position who was capable of getting a job in the real world? Or is that just me being idealistic?

So, badly done, Question Time. Don't forget who pays the license fee. Keep your political colours at home and at least have the decency to be polite to people who do actually represent a large number of people in this country. You might not think that people who speak common sense should have a voice on the programme but I disagree. And the number of text messages and phone calls I've had about it would also indicate I am not alone....

p.s Alan Duncan - I've seen the views from the parties on the Philips report into state funding and the Tories are all in favour of it.

Glad I'm not a virgin

I had to go for a smear test the other day. Now, I know that's pretty forthcoming of me to say so, but there is a reason behind me just telling you how my life is progressing.

You see, I had to go check because there is a significant chance I could have cancer. Soon, there will be young women who can get vaccinated against the virus which is known to cause cervical cancer, and it astonishes me that there are parents in the world who would not let their daughters have this, for fear it would encourage them to be promiscuous.

I think that is quite simply astonishingly selfish and a clear indication of someone not being a suitable parent.

I am glad I sleep with people every now and again, because if I didn't I may not have found out that there is something quite wrong with me.

So to all those parents out there who are sanctimonious little shits, I say don't condemn your daughter to a greater risk of a horrible disease. Because even thinking you may have that is quite, quite terrifying and also rather painful.

dating advert update

Many thanks to 'Greggy' from Chepstow who got in contact with me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. It's the hair and the old t shirts. I don't really think I'm your type either, though, to be fair. I have a pulse after all...

If only...

Yesterday as I walked to the tube I saw the evening standard boards declaring a headline of 'Brown on the rack.' If only, thought I...

click of the heels to The Spine, ever the artist!

A fool and his money are soon parted

Right, I've been having a little think. From what I can see, two Labour appointed Lords and a Bishop are going to do an inquiry into the finances of the Labour party and should probably report to Harriet Harman as Party Chairman.

Harman of course, does not even have the backing of Gordon Brown over her acceptance of £5000 after her deputy leadership battle and both the Prime Minister and Hilary Benn refused donations from the woman, Janet Kidd

Harman's difficulties were intensified when Gordon Brown revealed that his campaign team refused to take a gift from Kidd on the grounds that she was not known to them.

Benn also rejected a gift from Kidd, acting as an intermediary for Abrahams, after one of his campaign team, Lady Jay, a trustee of Labour's £1,000 club, raised questions about the true source of the donation. Lady Jay would not last night elaborate on her role. Benn's team, as Mr Abrahams confirmed last night, accepted a £5,000 cheque direct from Abrahams.

Now the Labour party receive millions of pounds from the public purse so I find the excuse of Peter Watt, the former party general secretary that 'he did not know it was unlawful to use conduits to prevent true source of a donation being disclosed' frankly, unacceptable.

UKIP put their hands up and admitted they had made a clerical error, and contested the forfeiture of the money to the Electoral Commission because it was disproportionate. It seems nigh on impossible that so many people in the Labour Party, that bloated puss filled boil of evil and regulation, did not know that it was against the law (their law) to keep a donor anonymous, when the law is there to stop foreign and anonymous donors. hmmm.

The panel still has not been announced for Question Time. I can't help but think it's because they can't get a Labour minister on to defend the right fuck up they have made of, well, everything. I suspect we'll get Hazel Blears sitting there with her chipmunk smile saying 'well Gordon didn't know and when he did he was so wonderful' and 'Gordon is great' 'Gordon will fix it' and then, presumably, she'll have to run off to the loo to sort herself out.

The maximum pubishment for the crime which it appears has been committed (s65(4) of PPERA 2000) is a year in jail, for Abrahams and the naughty people at the Labour Party (click of the heels to Mr Wadsworth for that one). The Electoral Commission would only tell me on the phone that they are undertaking an investigation into the affair, but it does appear that Gordon Brown was rather jumping the gun by saying that he's going to pay back the money, because as I pointed out yesterday, it gets forfeited and goes back (ironically) to the Treasury. Not to Mr Abrahams, or all that would happen is that they'd give the money again. The same goes for Harriet "do as I say, not as I do" Harman and her repaying of the £5000. That is a good will gesture to the donor as far as I can tell, and won't affect the decision made by the Electoral Commission or the police. It's like a burglar giving you back your TV and expecting that to be the end of the matter.

OF course, with this biased bunch of pedants they probably will let that be the end of that, and then go ahead with their main aim of trying to bankrupt UKIP by appealing against the judge's ruling from the summer.

We'll wait and see, I suppose.

It's not quite as simple as that

So, the mighty leader Gordon Brown is going to do the right thing by just handing the donations back, is he?

Mr Brown said the money was not lawfully declared
Gordon Brown has said donations to the Labour Party by a property developer through middlemen were "completely unacceptable" and would be repaid.
The prime minister told reporters he had had "no knowledge" of £600,000 of donations from David Abrahams and said they could "not be justified".
"The money was not lawfully declared so it will be returned," he said.

I think I will refer my dear readers to the questions asked by UKIP leader Nigel Farage who, as I'm sure you are aware, is somewhat familiar with the PPRA 2000:

WHO WILL GET THE MONEY BACK, PRIME MINISTER?

Prime Minister Gordon Brown says that the Labour Party will be returning the six hundred thousand pounds it received wrongly from David Abrahams but who will actually get it?asked UKIP leader Nigel Farage today.

Mr Farage said, "Surely the money cannot be returned to Mr Abrahams because he is not the donor of record. Does that mean it all goes back to the jobbing builder, the secretary and the solicitor?

"The Prime Minister is being a little hasty. It may be that the Electoral Commission will declare these donations as impermissible. In that case the money,ironically,would be returned to the Treasury.

"The Electoral Commission chased UKIP pretty hard in trying to get us to cede early four hundred thousand pounds because a donor did not check he was the electoral register.

"But possibly it may be a different ball game when one of the major parties is involved."

It's a fair question. They let the Labour party off over the cash for honours scandal, they let the Tories off over their dining rooms and getting MPs and MEPs to pay for rooms in CCHQ and the Lib Dems seem not to be suffering from their £2m affair, but UKIP get done for a British bookie who even wears a sports jacket. This time, are they actually going to do their job, or do they just like to kick the smallest boy in the playground?

Oh, the shock

Thank goodness there are some MPs in Westminster who have decent values. Today I talk of EU scrutiny committee chairman Michael Connarty who has said that the EU Constitution Reform Treaty is too "ambiguous" and the committee have express concerns that the document places a legal obligation on national parliaments.

As someone who say through the committee meetings on a couple of occasions, I am delighted that they came up with these conclusions. There was quite clearly an obligation on national parliaments which David Miliband said he would get changed, but of course we have since found out from the House of Lords that the text of the Treaty will not be available to Parliament until after Gordon Brown has scuttled off to Lisbon to sign away yet more of our sovereignty without asking the people who have lent him the power.

Yes, 'lent' you the power, you one eyed lying bastard fuckhead. How dare you. You make my blood boil, you and your little sidekick who obviously isn't old enough to understand four syllable words like sovereignty and referendum. Mind you, when all this was being decided upon he was still running around the playground in short trousers hiding from the girls.

And that was with a minority of the population, who also voted for a manifesto which said you would hold a referendum.

It IS going to hand over yet more power to the unelected EU Commission
It IS going to result in the European Court of Justice having a much larger say over our laws, including over these 'red lines' you say you have secured, which may as well have been drawn in sand for all the good they will do.
It IS going to give legal personality to the EU and it IS going to be a self amending treaty, so who knows where it will end.

However, hopefully it IS going to be the downfall of this godforsaken rabble of rabid shites we call the government.

The marriage is over. It's not how I wanted it to be, but once again, the EU has fucked me over. I don't even believe in divorce. I thought I had found the one I wanted to settle down with but now it's all over.

have just been sent this press release

UKIP furious over England so-called defeat*


The UK Independence Party have reacted with outrage to the England soccer team defeat by Croatia; a country not even in the EU.

Long serving Chinese member Mr Xen Aphobia said that news that Portuguese Jose Mourhino was to be the next England manager was in "direct conflict" with Gordon Browns British jobs for British workers promise.

"It is up to the EU to overturn this scandalous result" said Mr Aphobia. "Several EU rules were broken quite blatantly."

"For a start Croatia were at fault for not having any disabled people in their squad whereas England obeyed the rules and played a partially sighted goalkeeper. They were also well short of the correct ratio for ethnic minorities.

"Croatia blatantly discriminated by having no females in their squad while England had an old woman as their manager.

"The match was played in appalling conditions." said Mr Aphobia. "Where is the global warming the EU promised us?"

"And surely the EU Commissioner for Competition will have to take action. Croatia played on a poor, rain affected pitch just last week and England didn't.

"Croatia had more players to pick from while McClaren only has 77, not all of whom were fit, because the Premier League is full of people coming in from all over Europe thanks to the EU open borders policy.

Commenting on the sacking of Steve McClaren Mr Aphobia said, "This again strikes at the heart of EU policy. It must infringe on his Human rights. Surely it has never been an EU rule that not being very good at your job is a reason to be sacked."

"We will be calling for the EU to overturn this result."

Ends

Note

*this is a joke

dum dum de dum!

I'm so excited I just have to tell you all, but I've finally tied the knot...

I know you'll wish me every future happiness.

And send me presents.

Right. Now I am single again I have decided that I should start getting out on the dating scene. So have come up with an advert. If you know anyone who fits the bill that I haven't already dated/shagged/had a disastrous unhappy relationship with an acrimonious break up then please get in touch!

Following disastrous (and I mean disastrous) previous relationships with some of the nastiest men in human existence, there will be a screening process consiting of most of the men I know who are fed up with me picking cunts.

Anyway, here it is:
Cynical, untrustworthy work obsessed bitch seeks guy to give her a run for her money. Must be good looking, clever, rich but not a cunt. Heterosexual preferred, but not essential if he has unlimited tolerance when it comes to shopping and great taste in shoes

From Jessica's Piano, I find the haunting question:

When a flower is picked and the petals are pulled out, can anything revive and return its beauty?

I don't think so. Once it's done it's done, and there's no going back. And nowhere is that more true than in relationships. Once those lies have been discovered, and those stabbing words said, then just move on.

Chances are he's a complete cunt, anyway. If he has a penis it's more than likely.

Dad's Army?

So, a government department have just happened to lose a disc with the details of 25 million people on it, including in millions of cases, their bank details.

The Child Benefit data on them includes name, address, date of birth, National Insurance number and, where relevant, bank details of 25m people.
Chancellor Alistair Darling said there was no evidence the data had fallen into criminal hands - but urged people to monitor their bank accounts.

Except, Mr Darling, that there isn't any evidence for it not falling into criminal hands, because the info has been lost. You don't know where it is, it has been misplaced and is no longer in your possession. Geddit?

All this comes only days after the Chancellor was called to face parliament regarding the Northern Rock situation.

Speaking in the House of Commons, Mr Darling insisted that the government-backed loans given to the bank - currently worth about £24bn - must be repaid - and said that the lending was all guaranteed against "quality assets" including mortgages.

Now, Bank of England is the lender of last resort, but unfortunately even though people say it's independent, it's actually anything but. However, the government have lent the bank an awful lot of tax payers's money and we're not quite sure how we're going to get it back. Cue share prices falling some more.

I think the Treasury must have recently employed a new press officer?

bleugh

Oh, but I am feeling terrible. Just about made it downstairs to do some urgent work (am dedicated to the cause, me)but after that it's straight upstairs to This Morning and my bottle of lucozade.

I don't know which fucker gave this to me but you are off my xmas card list. So you won't be getting pearls of wisdom from me for the next few days, but I am accepting flowers

I went out for lunch the other day with one of my friends and her small daughter, who is one of two children in the world I can actually tolerate.

My regard for her did increase when I was informed that one of her first words was 'shoes'.

She says it on demand too, which is nice. I gave her a clap every time she did to encourage her.

The other child I like is too young to speak at the moment, but I am whispering to her that her daddu should buy her a pony. This doesn't go down too well with the parents...

Liar, cheat and benefit fraud Ashley Mote is out of prison after serving only nine weeks of a pathetic nine month sentence. He's at home under some kind of curfew where he can't go out at night, but seeing as the benefit offices aren't open then he doesn't mind it at all.

Get off yer bike

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Surely that's up to him how he gets off? Lots of people don't like the thought of homosexuals but they'd get (scuse me) banged up if they said something! And how is he breaching the peace? Was he ringing the bell continually? Did he have some cymbals in the wicker basket on the front?

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

So he wasn't in public, then? He was in a room he was paying for? Then what business is it of anyone else? This case should not have even gone to court.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

Then fuck off.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

Surely, given that it was a private room, as a cleaner entering a room to which they have not been invited they must include the possibility that there might be something going on inside?

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

So? Was the bicycle crying out 'no, no, get off me?'

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

I can see why they might be shocked, but what has this got to do with the police? If they'd walked in and found him having sex with a woman would they have done so, or would they have just apologised and left as quickly as possible?

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'.

And?

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

Ah, the excuse for many a person caught shagging someone or something they shouldn't.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

Not surprised. Ayr is much nicer. And presumably what he does in his own home is his own business? If the neighbours walk into his house uninvited and catch him having a poo hopefully he won't be arrested?

What bothers me severely is that
1) He might have been doing something odd but not illegal
2) He was in the privacy of his hostel room
3) The cleaners shouldn't have just walked in
4) Now he's on the sex offenders list he's going to have a hard time getting a job, when surely we should be encouraging people to work. I mean, he could have a great time as a postman?

But no. In this country we live in, the state even want to know what's going on in the privacy of your bedroom, and if they don't like it you become a criminal.

It's not an instruction manual, you bunch of cunts.

Finally, some good news

Nasty, hateful puss-filled prick Abu-Hamza can be extradited to the US.

At fucking last. Can we just make sure that the Home Secretary ratifies the decision, please.

Sarko the Shit

Here's what he says in public:

When the people say "no", we cannot say the people are wrong. We must ask why they said "no".

We all know that the French "no" and the Dutch "no" to the European Constitution expressed far more than the rejection of a text, however important that was.

In that "no", there was a cry of anguish, a disappointment that was shared by millions of men and women in Europe who had begun to despair of Europe because they felt it no longer protected them, that it had become indifferent to the problems of their lives, that it was no longer speaking to them.


These "noes" were a disaster. They plunged Europe into the gravest crisis of its history. But this crisis, which could undo Europe, could also be salutary if it led all those who are unfailingly committed to its cause to reflect on the reasons for this disaffection and on the goals of this extraordinary human experiment that no-one had attempted before.

And here is what he says when he thinks he is surrounded by people as devious, dastardly and treacherous as he is:

President of France Nicolas Sarkozy said today in the Conference of Presidents: the French "no" to the Constitution was a catastrophe. He also said that France was just ahead of all the other countries in voting no. It can happen in all member states if they have a referendum - there is a cleavage between people and the governments in the member states. A referendum now would bring Europe in danger he said - there will be no Treaty if we had a referendum in France which would again be followed by a referendum in the UK.

Sarkozy informed that in the first weeks in 2008 France will ratify the Treaty.

And asked about the question on whether the EP could have only one seat he replied, that there will be no movement in the matter of the seat of the European Parliament.

Luckily, there were people in the meeting who aren't.

Possibly more alarming for the Prime Minister, although I can't see many people mentioning it in the mainstream press apart from Bruno Waterfield as perhaps it's a little too complicated for them, is that Sarkozy said that this treaty is not the last change.

"It would be a mistake to think that with the simplified treaty we have sorted everything, we can sleep easy and that no other issues are pending."

See that? We're not just going to have this little tidying up process and then all go on happy ever after. We are going to be a country called Europe. And the deafness which comes from the three main parties on this issue is exactly why I could never vote for the fuckers. The fact that a senior Tory Peer congratulated me on what I was doing and said it was vital to the future of the country (cue massive blushing) leads me to think that I am right not to.

Anyway, Sarko the Shit is planning on using France's presidency in 2008 to get new EU competences, including in defence. That's right. The right for this island to defend ourselves may be handed over to the EU. Well, we already have a Common Foreign and Security Policy and a load of EU embassies which just recreate the work done by our own, until they fold, so why shouldn't we? eh? If that's what the people want. Oh, no. We haven't even been asked. We won't be told either.

"Now we have got to resolve the political issues and to broach them without fear. We have got to debate them without taboos. Budgetary policy, trade policy, monetary policy, industrial policy, taxation, all policies, any policies."

Sarko. No wonder his wife left him. Question has to be, why did she marry the cunt in the first place?

No fiasco or blunder, eh?

Jacqui Smith said that the reason she didn't tell anyone about the fuck up with the migrants working for security companies, including the Metropolitan Police was because she wanted to sort it all out first.

"My approach was that the responsible thing to do was to establish the full nature and scale of the problem and take appropriate action to deal with it, rather than immediately to put incomplete and potentially misleading information in to the public domain."

Bollocks. Bearing in mind that Charles Clarke had to resign over the non deportation of foreign criminals, although of course those from the EU couldn't be because he and his party are shagging the EU Social Model, I would suspect that the reason she kept her gob shut was because she didn't want to be sacked resign.

The number of non-EU migrants given licences were being checked at 4000 a month. In September she set up a task force to see if this could be increased and it was now estimated the checks would be completed by December - "much more quickly than originally planned".

Ms Smith said much had been made in the press about the fact that she had said the "lines to take were not good enough" for press officers or ministers to explain the position in August.

"The fact is that they were not good enough because the analysis of the issue had not been completed."

You mean, you'd fucked up and couldn't come up with a way to blame someone else or wriggle out of it?

I hate this government. They are treacherous, deceitful bastards who should all fuck off and die. Painfully. Because every day they remain in the jobs, getting paid from our taxes, they make our lives more and more miserable. They want to run every aspect of our lives and when we do get some freedom, they think of new ways to stop it. THEY Take our money and waste it and then lie to us about it and they treat us like fucking idiots.

Brand large 'L's' on their forehead so the public can know who we are dealing with, and then let's hang them by their toenails and force them to watch coronation street in Finnish continually for 24 hours a day. Once they are screaming in agony and would rather have their eyes cut out than continue, they can hand write a letter to every person in this country with their own blood, apologising for the disaster they have made for the last ten years.

'He never wants anything but what's right and fair; only when you come to settle what's right and fair. it's everything that he wants and nothing that you want. And that's his idea of a compromise. Give me the Brown compromise when I'm on his side.'

Tom Brown's School Days, but I can think of another Brown it applies to very well...

glossing over the facts

I am sure that many of you are aware of my disgust and hatred of the EU, but when I am sent e-mails such as:

it increases even more.

Notwithstanding the fact that it's the 13th year, not the 14th year (maybe he's just planning on sending the same e-mail next year when they aren't signed off) what gets me is that they know it's such a clique that they can trust MEPs, i.e people paid from public money to represent their views, to get a distorted view of what is happening.

Marta Andreasen, the charming former chief accountant of the EU who was suspended in 2002 for doing her job, sacked in 2005 in the same year she won accountant of the year and this year was said to have been fairly dismissed by an employment tribunal, probably wouldn't agree this was an image that should be painted.

She said she could only account for 5% of the EU's budget, that they did not use double entry book-keeping and amendments were made in excel so that changes could not be traced. Yet, she was fired and the EU want to tell the press and the public that things are getting much better and the future is great?

Well, how is it great, sunshine? This is an organisation which costs the UK £30 million a day and yet they can only account for a tiny amount! An organisation which thinks that spending millions of pounds of public money on Galileo, or the CAP in the Sky, is fine and dandy even though the private sector has run a mile from it? Which likes to give money to support corrupt and evil governments in the name of 'eliminating poverty' but then imposes trade barriers and buys up primary stocks to stop the developnment of industries?

I suppose to them it could be worse, and why do the public need to know, eh? They aren't as wise as us here in the EU, or they'd be in on the scam, surely? So the important thing is not to make sure we can trace this money, but to make sure the media aren't mean about it.

So that's it. Our TV and papers are going to be dominated by the excitement and news from the latest episode of 'I'm a complete spastic, shoot me in the head' or whatever it's called.

Some chap has even quit before it's started, claiming it wasn't a jungle at all. No shit, sherlock. With a TV base, security and a village 2 miles away from the 'camp' along with people telling them what to eat and drink and do, it's not exactly dangerous.

I would go so far as to say that these 'celebrities' are probably safer there than in any town or city in the rest of the world.

I hope the person who came here after searching for 'where can I go to pay for sex in the midlands' came away satisfied...

Consider me amused again...

That Kate Moss mistook David Cameron for a plumber. Well, I suppose he does deal with a lot of shit. And he's gotten into some hot water and, erm, he takes a lot of our money for sitting around talking and generally not doing a lot? Anyway:, it goes like this:

"I went to a charitable dinner the other night and Philip Green came up to me and said, 'Would you like to meet Kate Moss?' So I said, 'Well, of course I'd like to meet Kate Moss.' I went over to her table and on the way over I thought, what on earth am I going to say?

"And I remembered she actually has a house in my constituency and we'd had these terrible floods in West Oxfordshire and so I said, 'Very nice to meet you, very sorry about the flooding in your house. I know your local pub has been flooded, I've been to see the publican and I know you like to go to the pub and so I know it's going to re-open in six months.'

"So I went on like this, twittering on, and she turned around and said, 'God, you sound like a really useful guy, can I have your phone number?'"

Mr Cameron went on: "I went back to my table and said, 'The good news is, I met Kate Moss and she wanted my telephone number. The bad news is, I think she thinks I'm something to do with drainage.'"

Of course if I were there I would have asked him why my council tax was being sent back to the government because of the EU's landfill tax which was pushed through the EP by Tory MEP Caroline Jackson. But then I'm not a supermodel, and never likely to be.

those that wait for that must wait for a shrimp to learn to whistle

'If anyone believes that our smiles involve abandonment of the teaching of Marx, Engles and Lenin he deceives himself. Those who wait for that must wait until a shrimp learns to whistle.'

Nikita Krushchev

And so the EU's own civil service tribunal has found in favour of that scrotum of satan, Lord Kinnock and said that Marta Andreasen was not sacked unfairly.

Right.

Fuck off. Do you think I came down in the last shower? You brown nosing eurotwats just want to keep your paymasters happy and not lose your pension by maybe implying that sacking someone for doing her job was not, in hindsight, perhaps a bit of a mistake.

How can anyone take the EU seriously when it thinks that the treatment of Marta Andreasen was fair? Who pays Kinnock and that hideous harridan he calls his wife, whose accounts have not been signed off for 14 years and who think that stopping west african countries from having a fishing industry is a way to help them out of poverty. How can anyone want to be part of this club which restricts our daily freedoms and costs us billions of pounds a year?

The Huntsman has written a lovely piece about the Andreasen case:

The Union Commission puts a higher price on ‘to respect, trust and loyalty’ from its employees than it does on ensuring that Taxpayers’ money is properly spent and is not looted wholesale. The message: “keep very quiet and never, ever, rock the boat”.

Meanwhile the thievery goes on, as the accounts are expected to fail to pass muster yet again and now that any would be thief-taker knows what will happen to them if they try and disturb the activities of the EuroLooters, is likely to continue for ever and a day.

Mrs Andreasen, UKIP's new treasurer, commented on the results of the hearing.

"I have received the news about this judgment with great disappointment,” she said. “The European Commission's arguments have been favoured to the detriment of mine. Justice has not been done and I will appeal to a higher court".

Mrs Andreasen said she found it hard to believe that the judges would find it admissible that the chief accountant of the Commission could be sacked “merely for stating clearly what the European Court of Auditors has done every year for more than a decade."

“I am being treated in a worse fashion than criminals.”

Much worse. She suffered. Criminals in this day and age usually benefit.

Jam, Jerusalem and erm....

A branch of the Womens Institute have unanimously voted in favour of legalising brothels.

The Hampshire and Isle of Wight branch voted amid concerns of the Ispwich murders last year.

They are going to present the motion at national conference, although it will have to wait until 2009 at the earlies as this year is jam packed....

Jean Johnson said, '"We urge the Government to look at this issue as we were deeply concerned about the deaths in Ipswich last year. They could have been our daughters, granddaughters or great grand daughters or sons for that matter."

I agree with Mrs Johnson. Prostitution is going to happen and we're sanctimonious idiots if we think that legislation will stop it. Some men will always pay for sex and some women will always be willing to have sex for money. Supply and Demand. Why don't we just take out the pimps and the drug pushers and the trafficking, as most men don't want an unwilling bedfellow.

It might not please certain MPs like Frilly Knickers who seemingly want to make people stay pure until they are married and then fuck through a hole in a sheet, or whatever it is these people do. I could be completely wrong, I'm just going on her position on abortion and extending it to all moral things. Bad, naughty Trixy. But I suspect it would do a lot of good of taking women off the streets where they are an easy target. And that, to me, would be a good thing for all people.

So there.

I am told that the balcony of the House of Lords are filled way in advance with the ghastly wives of Labour peers who, of course, want to abolish the House of Lords.

Typical socialists. Hate it until they get a slither of an opportunity of being part of it.

Perfectly put by Mr Wadsworth who shares my views on the silly woman who refused blood and then died.

One small step back for organised religion, one small step forward for the Darwinian gene pool.

Another case of 'do as I say'?

Only a few days ago we had the case of a naughty policeman being a hypocrite when he was caught speeding and turned out to be something of an anti-speeding fanatic:

In the past Chief Constable Merydydd Hughes has been robust over the issue of speeding. He has warned of "anarchy" on the roads, and said he is amazed people disregard the safety limits.

Not as amazed, perhaps, as the anti-speed camera campaigners who were gleeful yesterday when it emerged that Mr Hughes has been accused of driving at 90mph in a 60mph area. The chief constable of South Yorkshire has been sent a notice of prosecution for an alleged offence in north Wales. Mr Hughes is the Association of Chief Police Officers head of uniformed operations, whose responsibilities include roads policing.

Article continues
Mr Hughes told RoadSafe magazine this year: "It has always amazed me that people are so disregarding of speed limits when they obey other laws. We accept compromises in other parts of our lives for the greater good of society and yet many people carp at one that is most likely to save their life."

Although obviously not fanatical enough to not be a hypocritical bastard. Want us to slow down, then perhaps lead by example, you accelerator-happy turd.

Well, something else which bothered me was David Miliband and this adoption malarkey. Now, I've got no bother with people adopting of course. It's great that there are people who will take in a child and give them a better life than living in a childrens home. No, what bothered me (which one is barren? Which one!?!)was that they went to the US to adopt a child when there are, according to the British Association for Adoption and Fostering, 60,000 children wanting to be adopted in this country.

Why were they too old? There is no official upper limit in British law, although the oldest one can be is supposed to be 40-45. Miliband is now 42 and his wife Louise is 46 I think. One can see that it may have been difficult to adopt, but if a Minister of the Crown disagrees with British law then maybe it should be changed? After all, they make the bloody things.

In addition, did the Milibands got to America to adopt to avoid the long and bureaucratic process of adopting in the UK? Once again, it would point to a government official registering his disagreement with a British legal process? At the time of his first adoption he was working in the Department of Education who have to grant an eligibility certificate for anyone wanting to adopt a child from overseas. Between January and October 2004, only 9 were granted for couples wishing to adopt from the USA, so one can assume that they knew they were dealing with a Minister of their department. Convenient for him, I would imagine.

This might seem a bit nasty of me, but something just doesn't seem right to me. It does seem like he's not having to go through the processes other couples would to get a child and also he's avoiding the time-consuming UK process of adopting a child, even though he is an MP. I think it's good they've given a child a loving home, even if he is only just out of short trousers, but if they tell us what to do, then they should lead by example.

Well, I think so.

it's my rights, innit...

Newport Crown Court has been hearing the intriguing case of a man who allegedly got in the back of a police car with a man he had arrested on suspicion of drink driving and punched him 'repeatedly'.

The court heard how there was an audiotape machine fitted to the car which recorded the whole incident. The defendant says that he was acting in self defence as the arrested man 'had his thumb in his eye'. This is my favourite bit:

Asked by Mr Marshall why he said: "I'll rip your fucking head off", before getting in the back of the car, Pc Dance said it was to diffuse the situation.

That's what I do when I try to defuse a situation.

Asked if he had remembered the tape was recording, Pc Dance replied: "Absolutely."

Asked by Ieuan Bennett, prosecuting, why he had been swearing, Pc Dance said: "I only used bad language as a tactic to regain control of the situation."

Erm, regardless of the outcome of this case, how did this guy get to be a police officer in the first place? He sounds like the last person who could diffuse a situation.

I am fucking sick of having to go stand outside to have a fucking cigarette. I don't like going to pubs anymore because I can't have a smoke and a drink and sit down, if I go with one person who is non smoking I have to go outside on my own whilst they sit down on their own and the conversation I disrupted and no one else is in pubs anymore anyway!

How dare that fucking bitch Patsy Fucking Hewitt ban my fun because she's a mentally disabled piece of flapsnot?

I want to chop her arms off with a blunt spoon and then beat her to death with her severed limbs.

Whilst smoking.

And breathing it in her face.

And then I'll light a cigarette and shove it up her arse.

Thank you.

advice again!

Hmm, tricky one I need your help with. Today I received this e-mail which wasn't actually meant for me, but which I could answer. The trouble is, I don't know how to. Take a look:

Dear Mr. Blogs

Following a recent visit to Sedgefield, I have become extremely perturbed by the number of prostitutes there. Perhaps you would be kind enough to explain to me why this should be so.

I await your response with interest.

Yours sincerely,

Fred Jones

You see, my immediate reaction was to assume that he was complaining that there were too many prostitutes there, that he disapproved of the flesh trade, even if both parties were willing and, understandably I would say, he didn't want a load of tarts hanging around on streets wearing nasty, cheap clothes. But what happens if actually he was complaining that there weren't enough hookers? That he went to Sedgefield having heard it was a great way of getting some action for the blue veined custard chucker and was sorely disappointed when he just found someones nan in a pvc skirt and laddered fishnets?

If I ask him what the problem was it could offend him. If I take a guess, it could be wrong. If I don't do anything, it's rude. You see, once again we stumble across the ethical problem that is prostitution. What a to-do.

10 people

Well, none of you people of questionable parentage tagged me, but I am going to do my list of 10 people I would like to hit in the mouth with a brick. I am going to try avoid the ones who have already been done, because I feel we must share the brick love.

10. Richard Corbett. I hate him but he's such an irrelevance he can't be any higher on the list. The man who still insists that the EU is the best thing ever, who helped to get the Constitution through the European Parliament, who writes letters insulting people for wanting a referendum and who probably only gets off if he thinks about plenary voting sessions or committee meetings. Also doesn't even live in Britain, let alone the constituency he is supposed to represent. Wears cheap suits and shoes that squeak.

9. Nadine Dorries. This is a tricky one, because actually what I need to do is to break the brick up and smash one bit in her mouth and then one bit each for the hands, because it's her writing which really annoys me. Or I could use three bricks? Nah, that's a bit of a waste. But my reason for really wanting to smash her with a brick is for her self-serving, sanctimonious and thoroughly illiberal views on abortion.

8. shortly followed by anyone who has anything to do with abortionfacts.com for being nasty, lying bullies.

7. Stuart Dickinson. Because it was a try.

6.Simon Kelner for editing a bloody awful newspaper which is obsessed with treating theories as facts and who thought it would be a jolly good idea to put a Foreign Office briefing on the front page of his newspaper in almost verbatim reprinting.

5. Alan Rusbridger. He pays Polly Toynbee and lets her drivel be read by millions. He cannot contemplate that cutting taxes, grammar schools and leaving the EU are plausible options in modern Britain (even though he himself went to an Independent school) and because he has engineered the departure from the Observer of Roger Alton because, in the words of Stephen Glover,the paper "had the temerity to think for itself."

4.Ashley Mote MEP. He's a fraud and a crook and yet he only got 9 months in prison, meaning the UK Independence Party don't get their seat back (he was elected on a UKIP ticket but lied on his forms and only told his wife he was facing charges the night he was elected.) He also spends tax payers money trying to avoid facing trial, including going to EU courts when he is supposed to despise them. Lectures about fraud in EU and yet was convicted of 21 counts including fraud.

3.Gillian McKeith. What do you shit, you turd-mining old killjoy, determined to sap the joy out of every living thing? Lavender sachets?

2. David Cameron. Because he deceives people into thinking he's eurosceptic, he can't be trusted and he says thinks he can't do just to win votes. Typical politician, but one of the only high profile ones who hasn't been mentioned.

1. Neil Kinnock. Just. Can't. Cope. With. The. Mendacious. Cunt. He'd probably see this and then get all his tax payer funded lawyers to sue me for libel, because he is mega wealthy, puts homes etc. in the names of his family and then sues people for saying he is worth x amount, he was hideous and vile to Marta Andreasen who was only trying to do her job and therefore by implication approves of fraud in the EU. Sued my friend for telling the truth.

So there. ner.

With regards to Nadine Dorries and the other part of her minority report, I was going to pick up on other aspects of it which I consider somewhat contentious; namely that she was saying that the committee were not being entirely above board and were being 'hijacked'. But Iain Dale has done it and can be bothered to go and add the relevant section, so go read it there and then remember that you pay that woman's wages.

Frilly knickers is at it again

When I heard the news this morning that MPs had actually made a sensible decision with regards to abortion, I fully anticipated squealing from a certain corner. And I was right.

I'm not going to get involved with this whole 'foetal pain' and 'survival rates' debate because, although I am an opinionated little madam, I'm not actually a doctor. However, I would like to register my slight disagreement with Ms Dorries over the two last sections in her minority report:

Abortion On Demand

This report has concluded that abortion in the first trimester is safer than normal childbirth and on that basis is pushing for abortion on request. However, if you take into account the long term health effects of abortion, particularly with respect to pre-term deliveries and mental health, this conclusion is at best questionable.

You see, frilly knickers, that's just your biased point of view and your desire to tell other people how to live their lives coming out there, I think. Given that lots of women have had abortions and carried on their lives without doing stupid things like stealing babies from parks or, I don't know, standing for Parliament, I don't see how it's 'questionable'. Given the choice between an unwanted child or a medical procedure which, if done at an early stage, is less time consuming than some blood tests I've had, I would argue that having an abortion is going to be better for the woman's mental health. Really.

Medical Abortions

All medical abortions should be supervised with adequate pain relief, professional reassurance and access to expert medical help, particularly in the case of very young women and teenagers. The Chairman’s report takes no account in its recommendations of the practicality and reality of medical abortions, and the impact that asking a sixteen year old to dispose of her aborted baby would have on her.

Oh dear God woman, did you come down in the last shower, or do you think that we fucking did? If you have an early medical abortion (which has to be under 10 weeks and is a course of tablets which induce a miscarriage) you don't suddenly drop a full size dead baby out of your Mrs Mimsy. It's like a fucking period. A fairly long one, admittedly, but at such an early stage literally all there is of the pregnancy is a lot of womb lining and a little sack with a few cells in. Do you really think that doctors would chuck a couple of tablets at a teenager and tell her to bugger off and let her pick up bits of arms and legs of a foetus? Argh! You're so fucking one sided and biased you aren't even coming out with rational arguments.

Now, I am rabidly pro choice and the decisions that doctors have taken today that a woman does not need two doctors to agree to her having an abortion is a bloody good one. But if you came out with some proper facts that would imply the current law is wrong, I would at least listen and consider. You don't seem to even be capable of that. You just want to impose your dogma and doctrine on everyone else whilst refusing to see their point of view.

89% of abortions are carried out at under 13 weeks gestation. 68% at under ten weeks and 30% of those are medical abortions. At this stage, there is no 'baby' but there is a woman, and the age group on which most abortions in 2006 were carried out was 19. So there are a lot of young women who don't really want to be pregnant and would like to have a quick, simple procedure with minimal fuss so they can get on with their lives. Why should they have to pretend to doctors that they are mad or the baby is going to kill them to get a procedure which is available? Why should they need the approval of two doctors when you don't for far more risk decision?

Women should not be made to feel like they are doing something bad and evil because they are putting their happiness first. And ignorant people like Ms Dorries doesn't seem to understand that. Well, she should. Because those women who are having abortions are the same people whose taxes go to pay her wages and her expenses and her bloody tedious blog. So, up yours.

Yes, I have. Which makes me more qualified to talk on the practicalities of it than some pompous priggish politician

It's very annoying. I know who the minor royal being blackmailed was but I'm not allowed to write it down, am I? Or can I say who I have heard it is?

I have found

The second face of the majority of our politicians...

This is especially true of anyone who says that they are going to do something about immigration whilst remaining in the EU.
Take the man of the moment, Mr Cameron:

Conservative leader David Cameron today pledged to cut net immigration into the UK, warning that the current rate of arrivals was placing an "unsustainable" pressure on the country's public services and infrastructure...Mr Cameron also urged ministers to commit the Government to "transitional arrangements", similar to those operated in relation to Romania and Bulgaria, which would limit the right of nationals of any future EU entrants to work in the UK. This could apply to countries currently in the queue for EU membership including Croatia, Macedonia and 70 million-strong Turkey.

Asked how much immigration from outside the EU should be reduced by, he said "substantially".

He would not set a quota today, however, saying that that would be made on the basis of advice from a new body comprising the Migration Advisory Council and the Migration Impact Forum.

As I have written again and again and again if you are part of the EU you are going to have a pretty tough time trying to do anything about immigration, especially from the EU.

As we have seen when the Government restricted migrant workers for Bulgaria and Romania, it is nothing but a sham, because anyone from within the EU has a three month right of entry and movement and we cannot not let them in if they are self employed. (I didn't want to link to that because it quotes the Tories, but that just shows you what they're bloody like. argh.)

What we need to do is to get British people of the arses and into work. No work, no cash. You want children, then save up and get a fucking job. It's a lifestyle choice to have children, and I'd rather not pay for arseholes like this waste of oxygen.

Why should we be propping these people up? I don't particularly blame people for employing hard working people from Eastern Europe, but I do have an issue when I pay to much tax to prop up a social security system more obese than Nicholas Soames

It seems to me that we are paying money to just the wrong sort of people and now in Britain we have bred an underclass. People who don't go to school, who will never have a job, who go on about 'their rights' and who the police don't seem to put in the stocks after they have committed a crime. People who think that they have a right to get money from the rest of us without actually doing anything.

But what will this government actually do? Fuck all. Why should they? People vote them back into power even when they are trying to turn this country back into a poverty stricken arctic wasteland. The lib Dems probably think that this evil old wit ch should go to the Court of Human Rights and win, and they aren't going to do anything about immigration because they gang bang the EU Social Model daily before they start knitting their own sandals and the press don't seem to want to ask any awkward questions.

I think I will actually give myself a heart attack before I'm 30 with all this anger and frustration...

Foreign Secretary or American Actress?

Foreign Secretary David Miliband has adopted a second son, his office announced today.

Mr Miliband and his violinist wife Louise are already the adoptive parents of two-year-old Isaac, who was born in the US in December 2004.

The Foreign Secretary will now take some time off to help look after the couple's new adopted son, Jacob.

Following the announcement, he pulled out of an engagement this morning with Saudi foreign minister Prince Saud to launch the "Two Kingdoms" conference.

Mr Miliband was replaced by Foreign Office Minister Kim Howells.

A spokeswoman for the Foreign Secretary would not give any further details about where his second child is from.

In a statement, his office said: "David and Louise Miliband are pleased to announce the adoption of their second son, Jacob.

"They are delighted by the new arrival and Mr Miliband will now be taking a period of leave.

"They ask the media to respect their privacy during this time."

Hmmm. Our foreign secretary appears to be doing an 'Angelina Jolie'. One in every colour, I wonder? Are we next to be seeing him in 'Heat' magazine suffering from an eating disorder?

Maybe I'm just being mean and biased. I do hate the cunt, after all.

Bye Bye Backbone

Well, I am beginning to lose hope that we will ever get out of this bloody EU Constitution. The EU have set aside large amounts of cash on their 'Plan D' campaign to 'inform' us meer mortals that it is rather a good thing, and simply a tidying up exercise, rather than a fundamental change in our constitution.

My latest feeling of woe has come because David Cameron and his other Tory leaders appear to have shat out their backbone over the last few days.

David Cameron risked reigniting Tory splits over Europe by signalling on Tuesday he will not bow to media and internal party pressure to promise a Conservative government would hold a referendum on the EU treaty after it becomes law.

The Tory leader tried to duck the issue at a London press conference, saying he would not be drawn on “hypotheticals” that might distract from his campaign for a referendum before parliament votes to approve the treaty next year.

He's right that it would be easier to have a referendum and negotiate before the Treaty has been ratified in Westminster, but seeing as the UK held our only referendum on our membership to the EU once Traitor Heath had signed us up to the Common Market, it doesn't quite ring true.

I suspect the issue is more that the Tories would probably rip themselves apart if, when in power, they held a referendum on the Treaty. It would not just be on what would happen if they got a No vote, which I suspect would happen, but which side the party would campaign for, seeing as withdrawing from it would seriously compromise out position in the EU, which the Tories are committed to remaining part of.

If they campaigned for a yes to stay in the EU the party would suffer from infighting and the leadership would essentially divorce themselves from the grassroots. If they campaigned for a No then they face problems with those in their ranks who want to be 'In Europe and Run by Europe' and if they get a No vote, then they will have problems with their position of wanting to be in Europe but stopping the Treaty by undoing the ratification.

It's a problem for them in the way that it isn't so much a problem for the other parties because Labour and the Lib Dems are utterly committed to selling our country down the river without letting the people decide, nasty rancid cunts that they are.
I suspect it's why Cameron has come out with the news that the Tories will be withdrawing from the EPP-ED in 2009, although who knows where they will go to. It's possibly too early to speculate because the MEPs who will be there with them won'+t be the same as the ones here now. And the only group which really takes their view point is the Independence and Democracy Group, co presided over by UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

A parliamentary motion calling for a public vote on the treaty “before or after ratification” has been signed by 43 eurosceptic Conservative MPs, including Iain Duncan Smith, the former leader, and Graham Brady, the former shadow minister for Europe.

It's a tricky one for them. It wouldn't be a tricky one for me. He gained a lot of public support by saying he would hold a referendum if elected but clearly if he's taking this new stand then that was just lip service to gain support in the polls for an election, or to delay the election which no parties except possibly the Government actually wanted.

And pleasing the electorate is something we should all be used to and be immune from, but I still feel sickened when politicians do things like this. It's not like this is a minor issue; it's one of the biggest issues facing our country today because it's essentially about how we're governed.

Given that the EU have also allocated €4 million for an EU rapid reaction force which also will be involved in civilian problems, it's down to who polices us and who makes the laws which govern us.

If you're concerned about immigration it's the EU you need to look towards. Health? Tax? Education? It's all either directly or indirectly linked.

Can't bury your cat in your garden? EU. Food prices higher than the market would dictate? EU. Fishermen losing their jobs because of fishing quotas? EU. People in developing world having their fishing rights bought up so they can't develop their own industry? EU.

It is a big fucking issue, and it's important we keep 'banging on' about it because otherwise those cunts who govern us will hand our democracy and accountability away.

And if we do get this new treaty, which it looks like we will, then there's little hope for returning to a democratic Britain which governs herself. I shall keep on trying, however. They'll probably lock me up, but I will.

MEPs to the rescue!

The MEPs have been busy little bees today! They have been doing all sorts of work, like voting for €14,400,000 for a European Agency for monitoring Health and Safety at work, so an agency full of busybodies to monitor other busybodies.

They have also given the green light to a €234 million compensation budget to get farmers to squish citrus fruits instead of doing something else with them like, er, electing them to the European Parliament? And not to be outdone on the fruit front, they have also given the nod to makers of ketchup and tomato puree for €280 million for the production of tomato processed products.

Nothing is too small to be beneath their notice! No vegetable too obscure, no law to invasive, no amount too large to take away from tax payers to fund their petty scheme.

A propaganda fund to 'educate' journalists? Here you go, have a few million! Have you suffered with the problem of stigmatising people whose business have failed? Then vote for a €2,500,000 programme to reeducate people like you and end that social stigma which those with failed businesses may suffer from. You don't think you need to go on a training course or have your children educated in this latest idea? You're wrong! Go to the EU brainwashing re educating camp.

If you're a Liberal Democrat MEP like Bill Newton Dunn you may want to ask for €250,000 to fund a study to discover the obstacles to the creation of a federal police force in the European Union. Oh, silly me. He's already done that. But being a Lib Dem, I am sure that he will tell any Eurosceptic members of the East Midlands that he is all in favour of retaining sovereignty for the UK, because that's what Lib Dems do when they go canvassing. I know, I've been on the receiving end of it.

So, whilst our tax burden is going up and up, and the growth forecasts for the economy are going down, whilst hospitals are not being cleaned properly and we don't have any spare maternity beds in London, whilst prisoners are being released early because there aren't enough spaces in prisons, and then they go off to reoffend, be assured that your Europhile Members of the European Parliament are throwing your money down the drain.

On the other hand....

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Apparently.

Although I haven't even been given a blow job under my desk by a fat bird.

Er, Hello?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote to David Cameron with the following enquiry:

Dear Mr Cameron,

May I first say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Secondly, I have a question for you. In your speech to conference in Blackpool this year, you said:

'But it wasn't just that, it was the cynicism of it. He told us things that he know he can't do: 'British jobs for British workers' is illegal under EU law. 'Deporting people for gun and knife crime', you can't do that because of the Human Rights Act. I
have to say to our prime minister: 'If you treat people like fools you don't deserve to run the country let alone win an election'. '

and later on you said:

'And we heard from Alan Duncan how we will introduce regulatory budgets to cut that regulation and I can tell you that we will get out of the European Social Chapter so we can make those rules in Britain rather than in Brussels.'

However, as I am sure you are aware, in a written question asking how a country would withdraw from the Social Chapter, Mr Barosso replied,

'The Commission assumes that when the honourable member refers to the Social Chapter in the Treaties, he is referring to the social provisions contained in Articles 136 to 145 of the EC Treaty. These provisions are part of the whole Treaty and cannot be isolated. All member states are bound by the Treaties they have signed and ratified and which have entered into force, including the social provisions they contain. Consequently, a withdrawal from these provisions by a Member State would require an amendment of the EU Treaty in accordance with Article 48 of the Treaty on European Union.' From President of the European Commission

Article 48 states that:

'The government of any Member State of the Commission may submit to the Council proposals for the amendment of the Treaties on which the Union is founded.

If the Council, after consulting the European Parliament and, where appropriate, the Commission, delivers an opinion in favour of calling a conference of representatives of the governments of the Member States, the conference shall be convened by the President of the Council for the purpose of determining by common accord the amendments to be made to those Treaties...

The amendments shall enter into force after being ratified by all the Member States in accordance with their respective constitutional requirements.'

So what I would like to know is how come you attacked Gordon Brown on telling us huge porkies about deporting criminals and then weren't so honest yourself about the social chapter? I have seen Mr Redwood's proposals on amending the 1972 ECA and various QC's specialising in EU law did agree with me in saying that his proposals would land the UK in the ECJ, so that's not really an option.

How are you proposing to get 26 other countries to alter a treaty?

I look forward to hearing from you and remain,

Yours sincerely,

Trixy

Today, I received an answer from his secretary Alice Sheffield, which has confused me somewhat and I need your help on it:

Dear Trixy,

Many thanks for your email to David Cameron regarding our proposals to develop a home grown Bill of Rights to replace the Human Rights Act - I'm replying on his behalf.

While we recognise that such a project will not be easy, we believe that it offers an opportunity to protect important civil liberties such as the right to jury trial and our national tradition of freedom of speech and parliamentary democracy, whilst at the same time allowing more precise drafting so as to ensure that the rights conferred by the European Convention of Human Rights are applied in a manner that is less open to criticism.

Applications of the rights under the Convention in cases such as that of the Afghan hijackers and instances of the inability to deport criminals when there appears to be little or no grounds for believing that they will be at any substantial risk of torture or inhuman or degrading treatment are clearly unsatisfactory.

This is the start of a process in which we intend to carry out widespread consultation. We intend by encouraging debate in this important area to build a broad consensus of how best to protect civil liberties and human rights in Britain whilst balancing these rights with the responsibilities that each owes to others in our country.

It is our intention that the Bill of Rights will be compatible with our international obligations under the European Convention but will give British citizens a real sense of ownership of a document that reflects our core values as a nation.

I have attached an article written by David Davis MP, which explains our approach in greater detail.

Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to write.

Yours sincerely,

Is it me, or did she just completely ignore my letter and write back to me about something completely different? I didn't ask about the Bill of Rights or the ECHR. I asked about an EU Treaty which Mr Cameron has said he will withdraw from elements off without saying how - apart from some shite by Mr Redwood which would land the country in the ECJ.

Anyone?