Were the first words which came out of my mouth this morning. Yes, there were of course the early morning mutterings as I padded around trying to remember how to use my arms, but this was sniper fire in Anglo Saxon vernacular. I spat those words out.
And I'm sure many other people did too when listening to the stream of detritus emerging from the mouth of Children's Minister Delyth Morgan.
How shall I sum up the latest piece of draconian legislation from this government? Okay.
If you're an adult then you're a paedophile until the state says you aren't.
And I don't think I'm exaggerating with this one because John Humphries seemed to come to exactly the same conclusion as me and I've often thought he's a bit of a softie. But the woman, of course, could not answer a simple question. It was like Paxman and Howard with her refusal to answer an example on this proposal from her department.
Yes or No. That's all it would have taken. Would someone who took some kids to swimming lessons on a regular basis at the request of the parents of the kids be required to undergo an anti kiddy fiddler check.
And she refused to answer time and time again, realising I'm sure that the answer was indefensible no matter how many high profile cases have occurred over the last few years. I suspect this is a woman who used to put her cossie in a rolled up towel and trot off to the local swimming baths to thrash around in a vain attempt to do front crawl without her parents being duly concerned that the lifeguard wanted to see what was in her pants rather than the pants of the pneumatic blonde he was on duty with.
But in this country, under this government we're all guilty until proven innocent. Habeas Corpus is vanishing like that small kid at the top of the flume ride and it's our politicians who have given him that shove to hurry him along.
But how was it ever going to be otherwise with a government who honestly believes that a policy of not allowing your aunt can't take you to brownies without a police check is a 'proportionate, common sense system.
Adults, including parents who regularly transport groups of children for sports or social clubs could face prosecution if they fail to register with a new agency.
Common Sense? How the fuck is this common sense? All this will do is stop people doing favours for friends and thus stop children taking part in social activities which the government desperately wants them to do whilst munching away on their 5-a-day. Think about it. Prosecuting people for being a good friend. That's what this is.
Now, I don't have children, I don't want children and I'm not likely to take anyone to Brownies but this makes by blood boil because it spits in the eye of 'authoritarian' it's so...well, fascist. They'll be telling people who can have children and who can't have children next. Seriously - we already have a charity recommending that some children be taken away at birth so what evidence do you have of the past few years to suggest they won't go any further than this?
Ms Morgan said that the new scheme "is not about regulating parents in their own home" but will ensure that there is no reason why they should not be working with children.
And given your blatant disregard for the people of this country there's no reason why you should be working in politics and have any say over our personal freedoms but alas I can't see anyone walking into your office, grabbing you by your split ends and kicking you out into the street.
When will the horror end?
p.s a quick google search allows me to conclude that the woman is, in fact, barking. And a quick google image search brings up these images which might be cruel but hey - she thinks you're a paedophile.
The Daily Mash has a guide to passing those tests